The Cost of Being a Brother: A Review of “The Voices of Redlands”



By Marie Notcheva

Reading The Voices of Redlands, an account of spiritual abuse at a California house church, was an emotional experience.  It affected me on a deep level, and even kicked my maternal instinct into high gear. Primarily narrated through the testimony of former church member, John Baldwin, the story follows the systematic intimidation and subsequent excommunication of several people, most notably John’s friend, Ryan Ashton.

The fellowship in question is known as “Monday Nights,” which meets in the Southern California town of Redlands. Comprised by mainly young adults and led by two brothers, Jared and Seth Gustafson, when the group’s teaching became influenced by “Hyper-Grace” theology, Ryan expressed concern. Hyper Grace, as Ryan found out, is a modern incarnation of the ancient heresy antinomianism and soon led his church family into multiple instances of drunkenness, sexual immorality, naked exhibitionism, and other behaviors as explained in multiple testimonies. Ryan’s voice was dismissed and he was accused of “slander” by the Gustafson brothers, as a transcript of one of the secret meetings shows. (Slander, by definition, must be both untrue and malicious in intent. Ryan’s statements were neither.)

The close-knit community was practically a family to Ryan – the individuals he most loved and trusted. Rather than engaging his concern or encouraging him to continue being a Berean, the group’s leadership convened secret meetings and unilaterally decided there would be no discussion of theology; Ryan was to be ‘disciplined’ for his insubordination; and he was even pressured to receive psychiatric counseling—presuming mental illness where none existed was one way the Gustafsons tried to discredit Ryan.

“Matthew 18” being referenced to excommunicate him, Ryan was told “Don’t quote us unless it is uplifting or encouraging” and was censored from publicly sharing anything the group taught.  Given  a contract to sign outlining his three options: 1) obey (apologize for questioning the leadership and keep silent); 2) be excommunicated; or 3) obey and subsequently leave the community. What followed were months of emails and social media messages between the membership; culminating in a ‘trial’ and  Ryan’s subsequent excommunication.  Monday Night’s members were ordered by the Gustafson brothers to “shun” Ryan or face the same consequences if they had any fellowship or communication with him.

All this because Ryan dared to question Jared’s aberrant doctrine.

Turning on a Brother

It is difficult to convey to outsiders the psychological impact a high-control religious group has on its members, and the tremendous emotional harm that can be done when the group turns on another member. Without support from anyone but the few who gave their testimonies in The Voices of Redlands, Ryan naturally spiraled into depression. The cruelty of this ‘shunning’, coupled with defamation of his character and false accusations took a toll on Ryan’s health in other ways—his weight dropped, clumps of his hair fell out, and he suffered tremendous anguish at losing the only family he had known. As a reader I wanted to intervene and protect this young brother somehow; and call off those who would destroy another’s life in the Name of Christ. Watching God work as John Baldwin’s testimony unfolded was instructive and insightful.

Perhaps because Monday Nights was a house-church and not a mega-church under the leadership of a well-known celebrity, this story and the alarm bells rung by Ryan and John Baldwin have been largely unheeded by Southern Californians. Jared Gustafson is fairly well known among many churches there, but what Ryan discovered and how he was treated has been kept a secret. Until now.  What John’s testimony exposes, far more than the teaching of Hyper Grace, is a form of spiritual abuse that is all-too common to authoritarian churches in this country.

When “Discipline” Becomes Abuse

“Church discipline” are biblical buzzwords that become   weapons in the hands of  some religious groups. Many people might be aware of church discipline cases going awry—as was the case in The Village Church case (a Calvinistic/Reformed congregation), which resulted in its pastor, Matt Chandler, apologizing for their misguided attempt to ‘discipline’ Karen Hinckley for divorcing her pedophile husband.  The Voices of Redlands demonstrates that coercive group-think is not limited to conservative churches. Monday Nights is at the other end of the spectrum, influenced by Bethel Church’s charismatic leanings and two brothers at its center. The Gustafsons have such a magnetic hold over their friends that no one in Monday Nights has an issue with their Instagram posts of nude pool party photos. How the brothers manipulated their friends and other local churches to treat Ryan is only the tip of the iceberg.

In the middle of John’s testimony, Ryan himself provides commentary on “the bystander effect” which is common in abusive situations. The bystander effect is a diffusion of responsibility which leads to collective apathy when an individual is being harmed. Most of the people in this fellowship and their families were swayed not only by Jared’s erroneous teaching, but also forced to disassociate themselves from Ryan. All dissent was censored, and threats of being disfellowshipped were imposed from the Gustafsons. This, perhaps, is the part that bothered me the most: even those who knew him turned the other way when Ryan was thrown under the bus by Jared and Seth.  Their charges against Ryan were not true, as John’s testimony makes clear.

In his interlude “The Anatomy of Spiritual Abuse” on page 66, Ryan writes:

“One of the hallmarks of abusive situations is the many layers of protection and enablement that exist for the abuser…..Circling the wagons in self-protection and stifling dissent are what toxic communities do, not the Body of Christ. Underscoring its insidious nature, whereas physical and emotional abuse is intentional because it is only manipulative, spiritual abuse can be unintentional through distorted biblical beliefs.”

It was these beliefs, and not the individuals, that Ryan confronted. He stood his ground personally, and then publicly, firmly rejecting the antinomian teaching the Gustafsons embraced, expressed concern for young believers being led astray – but was never truly heard by anyone. Instead, Ryan’s character was attacked and all of his relationships were terminated by the Gustafsons. The emotional effect of this was extremely traumatic, as John saw his friend deteriorate. Ryan wrote how even those parents and adults he reached out to marginalized him – “deeming emotions to be unChristian, anger at injustice to be sinful, and even the act of speaking out as gossip” (p. 68). Having been on the receiving end of such treatment in a high-control authoritarian church, I can understand in a small part his sense of betrayal and frustration. I was relentlessly pressured, and threatened with excommunication, for leaving an abusive marriage, thus this observation really resonated with me:

“Victims are often demonized and labeled the aggressor when resisting abuse, while cavalier justifications for inaction allow many Christians to walk past the wounded guilt-free and without offering help, besides maybe flinging a Scripture verse from afar with an air of sanctified indifference…. Jesus bore the Roman whip, yet today the Body of Christ bears lacerations from abusers who revel in the impunity from passive bystanders (p. 68-69).”

One couple involved in Ryan’s life even encouraged him to listen to Bill Gothard’s “Basic Life Principles” to address his “bitterness”. Another couple pressured him to go through The Landmark Forum, a cultic victim-shaming conference that brainwashes people into believing they are responsible for their own relationships falling apart. In these and many ways, the adult Christians in Redlands have dropped the ball in protecting their own children and tried to silence Ryan and John multiple times when all they wanted to do was warn people about what the Gustafsons are influencing Monday Nights to become.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Rather than give up, Ryan has relentlessly sought to reconcile with Monday Nights. For three years, he has tried to explain why he was so concerned, and also why Monday Nights’ reactionary defense of the heresy (and shunning of Jared’s detractors) was wrong. Ryan’s was naturally angry and upset with the injustice, but standing his ground, what is astonishing (and speaks well of Ryan’s character) is that his genuine love for these people remains and is the catalyst for this book. He truly does want reconciliation, and has not “written off” Monday Nights at all, despite the unimaginable pain the ‘shunning’ and slander caused him. John Baldwin’s love seeps through the pages, as he and the others testifying through  “The Voices of Redlands” demonstrate in page after page of how many times they tried to get through to their friends, but were disbelieved, dismissed, lied about, and ultimately shunned also. John and Ryan even delayed the book launch for several months when it appeared the leaders of Monday Nights would engage them in conversation. After months of stonewalling, and prayer on the part of the editorial team, the book and website was finally released to warn Redlands and the Church world about how Hyper Grace and spiritual abuse can change even the most sincere and loving of groups into what Monday Nights has become today.

Still, Ryan burns with a love and desire to forgive and reconcile with his abusers. There is not even a hint of bitterness, as many would label those who expose abuse and falsehood. As Ryan himself states:

“My hands are open to whatever is ahead. I have nothing to protect since it was already taken from me. I have no aim in this endeavor besides seeing this situation resolved and healed. I have been at the brink of despair and much worse, yet the fact I remain alive and writing to you all means Jesus already won that battle. All other trials are nothing in comparison. We love Monday Nights and pray for them. I am sincerely grateful to be a brother to them, and to all of you. I am still learning how to be a better brother; how to be tender, speak graciously, and respond with hope. I am here—hands open, heart open, ears open—not to be abused again but to demonstrate my love and the true grace of God.”

The Voices of Redlands  by the end is less an expose of a particular church or errant doctrine than it is a call to action for us all. When standing up for truth is seen as unloving; when victims are coerced into apologizing to their abusers; when sincere believers blindly follow their leaders spinning their version of a story at the expense of an individual, there is a serious problem in the Body. It is to our collective detriment the Christians in Redlands haven’t done more to intervene in Monday Nights, since injustice there is an injustice everywhere. As John, Ryan, and the others make clear, we are all connected, and our indifference to spiritual abuse as a church culture needs to be confronted.

Spiritual abuse takes many forms and is hard to define. John and Ryan take pains to describe it, so even those not directly involved in similar situations can discern it. “The bystander effect” has unknowingly lulled too many Christians into paralysis. It is never the wrong time to stand up and defend one of our own. Telling this painful story took enormous courage for these Voices of Redlands.  I am grateful to John Baldwin and the eight other witnesses for telling the truth about what is happening in Redlands. Ryan Ashton is just one of the many Christians who has been blacklisted and blackmailed into silence, yet he chose to not only speak up, but pursue reconciliation with his abusers. His quest deserves to be read, and this wake-up call needs to be heeded.

“The Voices of Redlands” is available as a free download here.


God’s Protection of Women: When Abuse is Worse than Divorce (Review)


by Marie Notcheva

For several months now, I have wanted to review Pastor Herb Vander Lugt’s booklet, “God’s Protection of Women: When Abuse is Worse than Divorce”. As the senior research editor for RBC (now Our Daily Bread Ministries), Lugt’s 1982 book is a concise, yet exegetically-rich resource biblically challenging the view that divorce is never justified by abuse. Far from being a plea to reason based on emotionalism (or even pastoral experience), Lugt effectively shows how a faulty hermeneutic has led many conservative pastors and churches to teach that Matthew 5:32 is the final and definitive word on divorce.

As a former pastor of mine used to say, “Be careful about basing a doctrine on one verse.” Nowhere is this more obvious than in the thorny endeavor to unpack all of what Scripture has to say about divorce (as well as abuse of different kinds; abandonment; and re-marriage). Wisely, Lugt begins with the assertion that “Moses, Jesus and Paul all recognized a range of marital conditions that are worse than divorce”. (P. 3). He then re-caps historical anthropology of women being treated as property, pausing on the Puritans who were a notable exception:

“In the spirit of the Reformation, Puritans didn’t see marriage as an indissoluble sacrament but as a civil contract that could be terminated if either party did not fulfill fundamental duties of marriage. Although cruelty was not a recognized ground for divorce in the Puritan era, there are those who thought cruelty to a wife was a type of desertion.” (p. 4).

Lugt then proceeds to demonstrate how, even in modern times, women have been overly-subjugated by a misunderstanding of the word “helper” in Genesis 2:18.

“There is no sense in which this word connotes a position of inferiority or subordinate status. The word “suitable for” literally means “in front of”, signifying one who stands face to face with another, qualitatively the same, his essential equal, and therefore his “correspondent” (“Hard Sayings of the Bible, pp. 666-7, IVP, Downers Grove, 1996).”

Before delving into the second section of the booklet, “Protection of Women under the Law of Moses,” Lugt then highlights the fallacy that male domination is a “right” inherited from the Fall — consistent with the rest of Genesis 3, it was a “curse” that, like sickness, thorns and discord, should be resisted and fought.

Mosaic Law

Even the most weak and vulnerable women in Hebraic society — daughters sold as slaves, wives or concubines were protected under the Law of Moses. Quite progressive for its time, Exodus 21:7-11 lists the “three foundations of marital duty” — namely, the provision of food, clothing, and ‘marriage rights’ – often interpreted as affection and marital love. (In fact, the Jewish Ketubah lays these out as a contract, not very much unlike Ephesians 4.)

Breaking these conditions is, in fact, a violation of the marriage covenant. But more significantly, it shows the principle of protection that is seen throughout Scripture, from the lesser to the greater: if God would provide protection and care even for a slave, how much more is owed to a free wife? Verse 11 makes it clear that if the husband fails to fulfill this contractual obligation, he is to “let her go free”. This has been proven conclusively by theologians to mean a formal divorce, the get. Of course, neither rabbis nor Lugt in this apologetic argues that this is the ideal; rather, the Mosaic divorce allowance was given by God for humanitarian means – to protect women from cruelty. Deuteronomy 21:10-14 similarly makes provision for the divorce, protection and remarriage of non-Israelite prisoners of war.

A slightly more obscure passage Lugt addresses in the Mosaic code is Deuteronomy 24:1-4, which he points out would cause a man to think twice before deciding to divorce his wife at will (he was now prohibited from re-marrying her). Worthy of note is that the vague term “uncleanness” in verse 1 does not refer to adultery, which would have carried the death penalty. He was, however, precluded from re-marrying her, which underlines the permanence of the divorce and foreshadows Jesus’ warning in Matthew 19:8 against divorcing one’s wife “for any and every reason”. Divorce was a concession; a last-resort, and not something to be carried out lightly.

“The same law that offers penalties for murder, theft, perjury, and adultery also provides consequences when the purpose and covenant of marriage are broken by contempt and abuse.”(p. 12).

Unraveling Malachi 2:16

After demonstrating the similar intent of protection of both Jesus and Moses, (whose Law Jesus upheld completely during His ministry), Lugt turns toward the most oft-misquoted verse in the Bible regarding divorce: Malachi 2:16 (which he quotes from the New King James Version:

“For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,
For it covers one’s garment with violence,”Says the Lord of hosts.” 

Compare this rendering with the more accurate, word-for-word translation of the English Standard Version:

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” (ESV).

While Lugt correctly noted that the prophet was dealing with “treacherous” divorces — men who didn’t care about their wives, and abused their power to abandon them to a live of poverty and disgrace — what he failed to do was address the etymology of that verse. As Barbara Roberts (author ofNot Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion”) has pointed out, the verse is often incorrectly and incompletely translated as “I hate divorce” and used as a catch-all conversation stopper to assert that divorce is never permitted biblically. However, this is neither the correct interpretation nor intention of the passage (written during a time period when male casual divorce was rampant). She writes:

“The incorrect translation came about as follows. The word “hates” in Malachi 2:16 is he hates. The Hebrew denotes third person masculine singular = he. The King James version had For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away. Many subsequent translations switched the third person “he” to a first person “I” without any grammatical warrant. For example, the 1984 NIV was “ ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel.” Possibly translators thought the switch was okay because it retained the sense of the KJV — that God feels the hatred [for divorce]. They did not seem to worry that “I hate divorce” was grammatically inaccurate to the original Hebrew.

But modern translations are starting to correct this mistake. The construction in Hebrew (“he hates… he covers”) shows that the one who feels the hatred is not God, but the divorcing husband. To be faithful to the Hebrew, the verse could be rendered, “If he hates and divorces,” says the Lord God of Israel, “he covers his garment with violence.” It is talking about a husband who hates his wife and divorces her because of his aversion for her. Therefore, Malachi 2:16 is only referring to a specific type of divorce: divorce for aversion, which could be dubbed “hatred divorce”. Divorce for hatred is treacherous divorce: if a man hates his wife and dismisses, he “covers his garment with violence” — his conduct is reprehensible, he has blood on his hands.[1]

Apart from this omission, Lugt’s treatment of Old Testament divorce laws’ protection and provision for women was solid. He correctly points out (quoting biblical scholar Joe Sprinkle) that the context of Malachi 2:16 is a limited one: taken in accordance with the allowances for divorce made elsewhere in Scripture, it is clearly only certain divorces in certain circumstances to which God is opposed. While upholding the sanctity of marriage, Lugt next turns to the New Testament teaching on divorce to demonstrate how Christ, Moses and Paul’s teachings complement one another.

New Testament Application

The reader doesn’t need to be convinced that Jesus demonstrated a concern and caring for women that went beyond the social mores of the First Century. Nor is it hard to see that the God of Scripture is a Protector and Defender of the weak and downtrodden.  Lugt asks then the rhetorical questions, “Does Matthew 5:31-32 over-ride the provision offered divorced women in Deuteronomy? Was Jesus, by this one statement, disagreeing with Moses?

“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:31-32, ESV)

Of course not. Just as with all of Scripture, a correct hermeneutic demands we examine context (Literal-Historical and Synthetic Principle of Scriptural interpretation.) Jesus was, in the Sermon on the Mount, addressing the Pharisees’ specific excesses and “stretches” in interpreting and teaching the Law of Moses. They had added hundreds of laws onto the original Levitical code, and the abuse of the divorce clause in Deuteronomy 24 was no exception. In reality, divorced women of the First Century were disgraced and had few career prospects outside of prostitution. It is not biblically consistent to say that He was contradicting the conditions Moses had set, but is more consistent with the passage that He was forcing the Pharisees to focus on the condition of their own hearts. Relational sin was the point; the one statement was clearly not intended to be the single and final word on divorce (as Paul later demonstrates).

Later in Matthew 19:3-9, Lugt notes, we in fact see the Pharisees trying to entrap Jesus by confronting Him with the Law of Moses on the same subject. While upholding the sacred ideal of the permanence of marriage, Jesus did not disagree with Moses in allowing divorce.

“Commenting on the allowance made for hardness of heart, Dr. Willard notes: ‘No doubt what was foremost in His [Jesus’] mind was the fact that the woman could quite well wind up dead, or brutally abused, if the man could not “dump” her. It is still so today, of course. Such is our “hardness of heart”. Better, then, that a divorce occur than a life be made unbearable. Jesus does nothing to retract this principle….no one regards a divorce as something to be chosen for its own sake…but of course a brutal marriage is not a good thing either, and we must resist any attempt to classify divorce as a special, irredeemable form of wickedness. It is not. It is sometimes the right thing to do, everything considered.” Professor Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, HarperCollins, 1997. pp. 169-70.

Lugt begins his conclusion by demonstrating again how the Mosaic Code and the teachings of Christ on divorce complemented each other. He argues that Jesus was forcing the hypocritical religious leaders of the time to examine their own hard hearts in putting women in danger           (both by abuse and neglect, and unrighteous divorce), as they were actually ignoring Moses’ rabbinical provision for women. Moses had given the Elders of Israel “a legal basis to free a woman from the neglect, contempt, and abuse of a cruel husband” (p. 21). There was no need for Jesus to cite all of these scripturally-valid grounds for divorce, any more than He explained the full Gospel of salvation by faith alone when speaking to the Rich Young Ruler. As Lugt points out, context is crucial. He was not addressing women in distress; He was addressing the self-righteous men who did as they pleased in “putting away” their wives.

Of course, Jesus also didn’t mention the additional circumstances meriting divorce later cited by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11:

“To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”


Giving these instructions on the basis of Christ’s authority, why is there no mention of the fornication clause? It is evident here that the woman can obtain a divorce (under civil law; for unspecified reasons). And why the no-remarriage clause, Lugt asks, when Paul would have been well-acquainted with Mosaic teaching on remarriage? Lugt argues that the context of chapter 7 suggests Paul was answering specific questions raised by the Corinthian believers about celibacy (advocated by some even within marriage), and about marriage itself. He urges wives not to leave, but as a concession states that they are then to remain unmarried (which brings up another set of questions about divorced Christians re-marrying within the Church, which Lugt doesn’t address). Nor does Lugt address the fact that the New Testament uses the same word for “divorce” as for “separation” – the distinction made by the modern-day church is absent in the pages of Scripture. Nowhere do we see the Early Church pressuring divorced women to “reconcile” with their husbands, under any circumstances.


Lugt’s short book is a helpful resource for pastors, counselors and Christians in abusive or contentious marriages in order to understand God’s original design for marriage; as well as His protection in certain circumstances where divorce is allowed as a concession. Abuse is unequivocally one of these conditions. Actually examining the context and hermeneutic in which certain passages were written is illuminating in dispelling the “abuse is not biblical grounds for divorce” fallacy that exists in some churches, and serves to keep women in bondage. Lugt writes:

“Many…in trying to return to the ideal of marital love and permanence have not seen the wisdom God Himself showed in circumstances of marital abuse….divorce reflects a serious and costly departure from God’s original design. But the solution to the problem is not found in misrepresenting the heart of the law or in ignoring the plight of abused or unloved wives. Neither can we rightly maintain that sexual unfaithfulness or the desertion of an unbelieving mate are the only grounds for a divorce.”  (p. 26).

The brevity of Lugt’s book did not address every possible question that arises from the question of Christian divorce (such as remarriage), and while his exposition of Malachi 2:16 was somewhat lacking, overall “God’s Protection of Women” is an excellently-written and much-needed treatment of an issue that has caused much confusion and additional pain to abused women. It deserves a place in every biblical counselor’s library.

[1] Barbara’s book can be purchased at or from any book retailer.

Relationship and Doctrine: Striking a Balance

Relationship and Doctrine: Striking a Balance

by Marie Notcheva

Have you ever suffered from theological burnout? I have – notably when studying for my biblical counseling certification. One hundred eighty-five hours of video lectures were tremendously helpful and informational; so were the many books I had to read. By the end, saturated in hermeneutics and systematic theology, I didn’t feel like opening the Bible anymore. I felt like God was an algorithm to be approached through diagrams, charts, and verses committed to memory. He seemed as distant as my college chemistry professor (who I haven’t seen since 1990).

There was nothing wrong with the training, of course. A correct understanding of God, human nature, and the Bible is critical in order to understand the issues we deal with in the counseling room (as well as life in general, for that matter). All of the books and training materials I was assigned were produced by Calvinistic authors, as biblical counseling tends to be very heavily Reformed. Reformed literature, by and large, tends to be heavy. Richly doctrinal but not a quick read. There is less emphasis on God’s love and relationship with us than on His other attributes, and to be honest, many times the continual emphasis on exegetical skill (not to mention total depravity) left me cold.

Christ Might Have Died for my Sins?

Don’t get me wrong; the Reformers were the heroes of the faith who rescued Christianity from the mysticism and superstition of the Dark Ages. The Reformed camp, on the whole, produces the highest quality Christian literature there is; particularly in the Christian counseling genre. Sometimes it has seemed to me, however, that in the quest for doctrinal precision and endless parsing, the relational aspect of Christ’s love is lost. Taking an extreme position on the Doctrines of Grace can leave one scratching one’s head.

For example, in one course I was taught that when sharing the Gospel with a potential convert, one should never tell him that “Christ died for [his] sins because you have no way of knowing if that individual is one of the elect or not.” Umm…alrighty then. So…what exactly should we tell him? “Hey! I have great news! Christ might have died for your sins!”

Doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

Jesus looked at the Rich Young Ruler (Mark 10:20-22), loved him, and bid him come and follow Him. And the guy still walked away (which I find staggering). Repeatedly, we see that the invitation is open to all…we all have a chance to be one of “the elect”. We need to hold onto this truth, and not confuse counselees into thinking they can be arbitrarily ‘locked out’ of heaven by a misunderstanding of predestination. We need to give hope, not seek to be more Calvinistic than Calvin.

Overwhelmed by Theology, or Overwhelmed by Love?

Having a high view of God precludes focusing on our own “felt needs.” It is unbiblical (some would say blasphemous) to think in terms of our own value. I understand and agree that we are totally depraved, and the Atonement speaks of HIS infinite worth, glory and value, but there are several places in Scripture where God’s Word indicates that we are precious to Him. If we were truly worthless to God, He never would have sent His Son. I can see where there’s a danger to making the cross all about us, rather than about God (and people do); but even the Puritans recognized Christ’s love for the individual.

I agree God does not exist to meet our emotional needs, but what do you do when you have a tough day? What do you teach your counselee to do? Or do Reformed folks never have a tough day, because of God’s majesty and sovereignty? Do we pour our hearts out to God, or do we text a friend, who seems more approachable?

Sometimes, after reading about the proper view of God, I actually would have a tough time praying. I find it intimidating and don’t really know what to talk about. The Reformers themselves were passionate, emotional, introspective people. Sometimes in today’s literary Reformed camp, one can learn much but feel nothing. One believer I know wrote: “I love Reformed people, but I loathe their “We are the Christian Intellectual Elite” complex. When Christianity is all head and no heart… yep, the balance is lost.”

Getting Back to Basics – with the Puritans

This might be an over-correction made by the modern biblical counseling movement, in response to the touchy-feely theological fluffiness that graces the shelves of today’s Christian bookstores. In stark contrast to the modern “Jesus is My Homeboy” attitude, the correct relationship with God that Reformed writers historically have tried to convey is one of awe-struck intimacy. Consider the following passage, penned by Frances Ridley Havergal in the 19th century:

Some of us think and say a good deal about a sense of Christ’s presence – sometimes rejoicing in it, sometimes going mourning all the day long because we have it not; praying for it and not always seeming to receive what we ask; measuring our own position, and sometimes even that of others, by it; now on the heights, now in the depths about it….It comes practically to this: Are you a disciple of the Lord Jesus at all? If so, He says to you, “I am with you always.” That overflows all the regrets of the past and all the possibilities of the future and most certainly includes the present. Therefore, at this very moment, as surely as your eyes rest on this page, so surely is the Lord Jesus with you. “I am” is neither “I was” nor “I will be.” It is always abreast of our lives, always encompassing us with salvation. It is a splendid, perpetual now. [i]

Does this read as if it were written by someone who saw God as distant, obscure, or harsh? Far from it. The beauty of some of the classical writing of the Puritans (and other early Reformed writers, such as Spurgeon) is that they maintained that balance between holding a high view of God’s majesty, and enjoying an intimate relationship with Him. Humbled by His interest in their lives, the desire to know Him in spirit and in truth fueled their deep study of His Word. Far from seeing theology as dry or irrelevant, we may think of these early Reformed writers as the original biblical counselors.

Learning to Enjoy God all Over Again

It took me a long time to get back to reading devotionals after completing my certification. I got the impression from my courses that devotionals are considered “fluffy” and generally promote bad theology. The answer is to find truly good devotionals – writing that spurs one on to seek God more, and to go deeper in our walk with Him. We needn’t suffer from ‘theological burnout’ or view Reformed/biblical counseling literature as dry or overly heavy-handed.

The answer, for me anyway, was to drop the intellectually-induced guilt over not always having a desire to peruse concordances, categorize passages on index cards, or learn koinos Greek. Of course, if one has the time and desire to do this, by all means she should! Proper interpretation of the Scriptures is not optional; and I have taught on this very subject many times. But there comes a point where the human heart wants to put down the books, and just spend time with the Father. We biblical counselors can easily get out of balance when the very thing we use to know God – doctrinal study – can stand in the way of desiring fellowship with Him. Simply being on guard against this trap (and being honest with ourselves about how we wish to spend devotional time with God) is crucial to our spiritual health, which in turn makes us able to minister to others.


[i] “Seasons of the Heart”, compiled by Donna Kelderman, Reformation Heritage Books, 2013.

Do Expectations Destroy Relationships?

Do Expectations Destroy Relationships?

Posted July 7, 2016 on Biblical Counseling for Women

by Marie Notcheva

Recently, a friend of mine posted a quotation on social media from a female Christian writer. The citation exhorted other Christian women not to expect their husbands to help with housework; meet any of their needs except to economically provide for the family, and to simply try to “make his life as easy as possible.” What most caught my attention was a portion of the quote which was underlined:“Expectations destroy relationships.”

While undoubtedly well-intentioned, this sort of advice targeted towards Christian wives concerns me. It is not about the housework or a division of labor based on traditional gender roles. That is an individual arrangement that can be decided by couples based on preference. If a husband does not feel it is his role to give the baby a bath, fine. If she does not want to mow the lawn or snowplow the driveway, that is reasonable. However, as another reader pointed out, the quote seemed to imply that a woman who is honestly overwhelmed is sinning if she asks for help. She is not.

Many women fall into serious depression because they are overwhelmed by the demands of running a household (often while homeschooling children) and are made to feel guilty if they expect assistance from their husbands. Would we tell men they are wrong to expect their wives to cook their dinner? Iron their shirts? Meet their sexual needs? It would be hard to find a male writer willing to take this stance.

Even so, household chores are not the main issue I had with the quote. It is the notion that in a relationship, it is wrong to have any expectations of the other person.

The Bible sets forth some very clear expectations for both husbands and wives – they are to love and submit to one another (Ephesians 5); he is to be patient and gentle with her (Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7); she is to be industrious at home and assist with running the household (Proverbs 31); not contentious (Proverbs 25:24). He is not to be a drunkard (1 Cor. 6:10 and elsewhere); both are to be sexually faithful to each other (Hebrews 13:4), and the list goes on. God has set these expectations – why would it be wrong for either spouse to hold them? It would be extremely unhealthy to enter into any kind of relationship with no expectations whatsoever, but particularly into a marriage covenant.

Expectations are Necessary and God-ordained

Telling women “You won’t have a happy marriage if you expect anything from your husband” is dangerous for at least three reasons. First, it demeans men. A godly man seeks to honor and obey God by loving, serving, protecting, encouraging, comforting and helping his wife. He is the spiritual leader in the home, and is the one to whom his children look to see an example of Christ. It is rather condescending (if not insulting) to tell women to “expect nothing” of them.

Secondly, it saddles Christian women with the responsibility of their husbands’ happiness, and additional guilt if they fall short. These women are often already burdened by self-recrimination, trying to live up to their own standards of perfection, and usually blame themselves for their husbands’ short-comings. The last thing they need is to be rebuked for having “expectations.”

Lastly, telling women to have zero expectations in the marriage relationship opens the door to abuse. I have written about this before, and I firmly believe that sanctimonious messages like this contribute to the problem. The implication is that the woman is somehow responsible for any failings in the marriage; that it would all go so much better if she would just be a better “helpmeet” and stop expecting her husband to obey God. When women internalize such unbalanced messages, they are less able to recognize emotional abuse and the Church, by extension, continues to perpetuate the cycle. “Doormat theology” is not biblical.

Live up to It!

While it is certainly not correct (or realistic) to marry expecting perfection of one’s spouse, a healthy regard for the other’s spiritual well-being (as well as that of future children) demands a certain set of expectations. That is, in essence, what the marriage vows are: a commitment to live up to one’s God-given responsibilities (including to love, honor and cherish one another). If a woman does not expect at least this much of her husband, the relationship is already in serious trouble.

Expectations do not destroy relationships. Selfish people destroy relationships. The most important relationship men and women can ever have is with their Creator, and Christ Himself laid out some very clear expectations on His followers: “If you love Me, you will do as I command” (John 14:15). He expects us to live up to what we have already attained (Phil. 3:16), and part of this means behaving in a selfless and Christ-like way in our relationships with other people (most of all, our marriage). Failing to have any standards or expectations in a relationship, on ourselves or other people, is a sure-fire way for it to fail. God has given us the standard of what a healthy relationship should look like, and women need to work toward what God has called them to do – while expecting no less of their husbands.

Do I Want to be “Makarios”?

Do I Want to be “Makarios”?

by Marie Notcheva


Practically speaking, the fifth chapter of Matthew is one of the most difficult in the Bible. While the theology behind the Beatitudes and Christ’s instruction on how His followers are to conduct themselves is not difficult to grasp, the unattainable standard of holiness He sets forth in this passage has endless implications to the Christian’s personal life – as well as discipleship in the counseling room.

The Beatitudes are counter-intuitive, because some of the states of being Jesus is calling “blessed” we would instinctively avoid. We might be ok with being gentle; and we certainly like to think of ourselves as hungering for righteousness, but mourning? Being persecuted, or slandered? Poor in spirit? What’s “blessed” about that?

The word used for “blessed”, makarios, does not mean “blissfully happy or contented.” Also used seven times in Revelation, (and twice to describe God in 1 Timothy), Jesus is after something much more than temporal warm, fuzzy feelings here. Makarios , from the root mak (large or lengthy), and denotes “the nature of that which is the highest good” (Vine’s Concise Bible Dictionary) and referred in Greek both to the state of the gods, or later, to the upper crust (elite) of society who had achieved material blessing presumably by upright living.

Now, Jesus pronounces God’s blessings on the lowly: The poor, the hungry, the thirsty, the meek, the mourning. He reverses our understanding of what it means to be ‘blessed’. The elite in God’s kingdom, the “makarios”, are those at the bottom.

Is this what we want when we sign on as Christians?

The Blessing of Humility

Throughout the Gospels, Christ makes the cost of discipleship clear. However, Matthew 5 is a concise glimpse not so much at entrance requirements for outsiders; but a declaration of a present reality – what already characterizes the true Christ-follower. Each of the beatitudes is characterized by a type of humility. Perhaps Jesus’ opening statement, “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” is the most intriguing – what does it mean to be poor in spirit? Why would I want to be poor in spirit? What is He getting at here?

Spiritual poverty, like material, is characterized by a lack – not having something. Someone who is truly poor, like the beggar of Luke 16, is utterly incapable of helping himself and is awaiting crumbs. Spiritually bankrupt and without anything to offer before our Creator, God values those who seek Him realizing they have nothing of their own merits to offer. Being “poor is spirit” means being able to sincerely say, like the Pharisee of Luke 18, “Have mercy on me, a sinner.” It is the opposite of resting in one’s spiritual pedigree, good works, or ministry accomplishments.

It is the beginning of the understanding of grace.

When beginning discipleship with a new believer, or counseling for a specific issue with a more mature Christian, this is a good starting point. Most of Matthew 18 (and Christ’s instruction to His followers generally) hangs on this first statement – recognizing our own spiritual poverty and brokenness is the beginning of a relationship with God.

The question we need to wrestle through then becomes, “Is this something that I really want?” The problem is, if we are honest, we want some of the glory for ourselves. Of course, we want to be counted as Christians; but how do we really react when mourning – does it challenge our faith, or do we count ourselves ‘blessed’ to have the God of all Comfort on our side?

Checking our Reactions in Persecution: Our Hearts in Anger

After demonstrating His priority on humility in the first part of the chapter, Jesus turns His attention to interpersonal relationships. This is where meekness and Christ-like humility is truly put to the test – it is easy, after all, to be meek, humble or gentle if living on a desert island (or in a convent). But in the messy world of jealousies, rivalries and petty gossip, can we really “rejoice” for being persecuted? Or, if provoked to anger, are we able to see that as seriously as murder? Christ is after heart attitudes here, demonstrating that anger and lust are as serious before God as their logical conclusions (murder and adultery).

What’s so difficult about this chapter is that no one is capable of living up to this standard – apart from Christ Himself. It continually reminds us that our thoughts are as loud in heaven as our shouts, and that God expects our responses to be rooted in humility. Often, people are suffering because of someone else’s sin. When someone continues to hurt us without remorse, it is almost impossible not to want to strike back. This is a good starting point in counseling (including counseling ourselves) to deal with the sting of betrayal or being slandered.

Praying for those who persecute us and loving our enemies is the hardest thing Christ has ever called us to do, but He declares it our greatest good. This is His definition of what it means to be blessed, although it is an intangible and often unappreciated blessing to us in this world. Taking a close look at how God defines blessedness (versus the short-sighted way we often see it) will help us and our counselees redefine our priorities and gain the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).

“Me Before You” and Hollywood’s Culture of Death

“<em>Me Before You</em>” and Hollywood’s Culture of Death


by Marie Notcheva

Me Before You

On June 3rd , a “feel-good” movie designed as a ‘dramatic romance’ opened in cinemas nationwide. Being somewhat out of the pop-culture loop, I first heard of it when a European friend posted a disability rights activists’ petition to boycott the film on social media. The main character in “Me Before You”, Will Traynor, is an extremely wealthy, good-looking, educated British man who is left a paraplegic by an accident. Despite having a loving family, access to the best rehabilitative therapy, and a devoted caretaker, he decides to end his life at Dignitas, a Swiss euthanasia clinic.

Louisa, the caretaker, forges a strong bond with Will and tries to talk him out of it; but to no avail. Ultimately most of the main characters in the movie – including his family – cave in and support his “choice” to end his life, which Will has decided is no longer worth living. Amid swelling, emotionally-evocative music, he follows through on his plan. Pro-life activist Stephanie Gray wrote, “[Will’s family] all encourage, facilitate or are actually present at Will’s suicide the way he wants it.”

The Message 

“‘Me Before You’ literally romanticizes a death wish,” said Tom Shakely, executive director of the Terri Schiavo Life & Hope Network.  The main character, despite being in a far better situation personally, economically, and even physically than many disabled people, concludes that he is better off dead than to face the challenges he’s been handed. This is a slap in the face to the many physically disabled people who live productive lives, contribute to society and honor God in their circumstances. (I have a wheelchair-bound friend in Albania who organizes Christian camps for the disabled and shares the Gospel with anyone who will listen; and, despite Albania being far less handicapped-accessible than Britain or the United Sates, Klodi is rarely without a smile or kind word.)

Does this film really portray handicapped individuals? Worse, has the value of human life become so cheap that Hollywood presumes to tell the disabled they should feel worthless? Ben Mattlin, who was born with spinal muscular atrophy, wrote in an op-ed for the Chicago Tribune:

“Make no mistake: Quadriplegia is hard, and it can be tempting to give up. Like Will Traynor, the paralyzed heartthrob in the movie (played by nondisabled actor Sam Claflin), I rely on constant assistance from paid aides and family members. It’s nearly impossible to find a job, let alone a restaurant or store without steps or with an accessible restroom. It’s a good thing I’m positively bursting with self-confidence and know I do want my life to continue. But how many of those who are struggling to maintain self-esteem, who feel unsure of their right to exist, possess the courage and sheer chutzpah to withstand the invidious message that they’re better off dead?” (Emphasis mine).

The Culpability of American Media

There has been much outcry about this film from disability advocates and anti-euthanasia groups, but I fear that they are like a voice calling out in the wilderness, drowned out by the culture at large. The ethical implication of euthanasia, often called “mercy killing” by its advocates, was so taboo until recently that it was rarely considered a viable moral option. Now, it is being debated (and even implemented) around the world as a “patient right.” American film culture, by glorifying this horrible tragedy, is partly responsible. As of June 2016, six states allow physician-assisted suicide to “mentally-sound, terminally ill” patients, as does the Netherlands where euthanasia practices are reported to be non-consensual at times. (“Physician-assisted suicide” is an oxymoron, as doctors are required to take the Hippocratic Oath to heal, and not to kill, before being licensed.)

Hollywood’s morbid fascination with euthanasia is not new. Me Before You is eerily similar to the 1981 film, Whose Life is It Anyway?, which also depicted a post-accident quadriplegic determined to end his life. However, two stark differences stand out: in the earlier film, the hospital administrator staunchly opposes the main character’s decision on moral grounds. In 1981, it was considered acceptable to “put to sleep” one’s aging dog; but mercy killing a human being was still a moral taboo. Secondly, the earlier film was dark and serious. Me Before You is a product of Hollywood’s modern  ‘culture of death’ which has been so white-washed that comedies are made about abortion (2014’s “Obvious Child”; 2007’s “Knocked Up”); and now we have a feel-good romantic drama about euthanasia.

American movies, unfortunately, are the unrealistic standard by which many young people worldwide set their moral compass. Whether we want to admit it or not, impressionable students are debating the relative morality of euthanasia versus quality of life in medical schools around the world – largely because it has become a “gray area” in American culture – in less than one generation. Hollywood has a tendency to grossly misrepresent and inaccurately portray entire people groups (such as American evangelicals in Soul Surfer; now the disabled in Me Before You); but people in other countries really believe our films represent American culture. (Case in point: just try and convince a Bulgarian teenager that American teens don’t all drive sports cars and carry Gucci purses, ala Mean Girls).

What is Our Response?

Obviously, Hollywood does not deserve anyone’s support at the box office for making films about disabled people offing themselves. Signing petitions to end “disability death porn,” as one activist group has termed it, is fine. But the Christian response is to influence the culture to the dignity of human life; to reignite the value of men and women made in the very image of God. This is the matter of principle, the point of discussion at which we diverge from mainstream culture. Human life is sacred. Here, it seems The Dove Foundation (considered the authority on “family-friendly” film reviews) colossally missed the point on Me Before You:

“Regrettably, despite the good cast and themes of love, devotion, and the love of life, strong language and sexual situations and comments prevent us from awarding the movie our Dove ‘Family-Approved’ Seal.”

Wait, WHAT??  They were more concerned with cleavage, “shirtless men in a few scenes,” betting on horses and swearing than with the glorification of suicide? When a shirtless man concerns us more than a suicidal man, our ‘Christian priorities’ are out of whack.

Every suicide is a tragedy. What Hollywood doesn’t show is the horribly painful ripple effect suicide has on the relatives, friends, and even strangers left behind. A year ago, I sat in a church for the funeral of a 15-year-old classmate of my son, and watched tears run down the face of another teen boy who had barely known him. For unknown reasons, the child had taken his own life and left a community reeling in shock. The effect would have been no less if the boy had been handicapped; terminally ill; or had Down’s Syndrome. Instinctively, we know how precious life is. I regularly interpret for terminal cancer patients (who do not look glamorous or attractive as the characters in The Fault in Our Stars, by the way). These men and women cling to life with tenacity, wanting to spend every possible moment with their loved ones. This is humanity. This is putting “you” before “me,” not the other way around.

Counseling any suicidal person (pre-emptively or remedially, after a failed attempt) is never easy, and their problems should never be minimized. This certainly applies to physically disabled individuals as well as any other depressed person considering suicide. But the truth is, most disabled individuals arenot depressed or suicidal, and they resent Hollywood’s condescending portrayal of them. Me Before You is a prime example of how far Hollywood has ventured from the sanctity of human life, and cries out for the truth of the Gospel (the Person and work of Jesus Christ) to give redemption and meaning to human suffering. The tragedy of films such as this is that they romanticize suicide; snub the Sovereign Creator; and reduce the moral and spiritual capacity of human beings to the level of animals.

“Why Can’t We Counsel Ourselves?”


by Marie Notcheva

Recently, I was talking with two girlfriends after a Bible study. The subject came around to biblical reproof, and how we accept it from others. Recently, I published an article on the damaging effects of criticism and how it can embitter a person; today, let’s look at at the other side of the coin: confrontation of a specific sin or attitude, offered in legitimate love and concern.

Although we like to think otherwise, we cannot view ourselves objectively. As my pastor says, “Scripture warns us that our heart is deceitful, and can trick us even when we think that our actions and motives are pure.” This is confusing, because we are in the best situation to know all the details of our circumstance better than anyone else. However, what we cannot see (particularly in painful circumstances which may be due to someone else’s sin) is that unresolved hurt and anger can easily lead to hardness of heart; cynicism; and ambivalence. Left to our own counsel, we may do what feels right or looks logical, without considering the harder commands of Christ.

Because we are filtering our situation through experience, we feel perfectly justified. It is difficult for all of us to hear constructive feedback clearly, especially when strong emotions and painful experiences are mixed into the equation. With even a scrap of biblical literacy, we can easily find justification for what we want. And while we may be partially or fully right, we still may become embittered in the process and thus forfeit intimacy with God. We need the objective third-party view of a wise fellow Christian.

Friends, Foes and Spiritual Authorities

Proverbs 27:6 reminds us that truly good friends are not those who simply tell us what we want to hear:“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy”. A person who gives you feelings-based counsel is not a friend; nor is someone who advises you to run from your church at the first sign of conflict. As a very straight-forward person, I appreciate my close Christian friends who are going to speak truth into my life. Often, situations are less than black-and-white, and a wise person considers all angles before making a judgement. And yet, while we may solve the world’s problems over coffee, the admonishment of a friend does not carry the same weight of authority as that of a pastor. A good pastor will listen; understand; exegete Scripture with you; and may caution you in the same way as a friend – but his counsel may be more objective; and certainly more authoritative.

This year, a very serious situation in my life requiring drastic measures (and the involvement of the Church) came to a head. My pastor, with whom I’d been in regular contact, wrote:

“…because I love you I think it is important to address what I believe I can observe from your own heart and responses in all of this. I know that you’ve been hurt Marie and I am sure I can’t imagine the pain and stress you’ve experienced.  But my concern for you is that it seems that your heart is hard in response to what you’ve experienced. I think there is a real danger that you are…solving the problem of your pain with your own solution, rather than following the path that God’s word has provided.”

The Bible talks about “confronting in love” and “rebuking”, but I honestly did not read this as a rebuke – rather, it was a diagnosis. Several friends had cautioned me to stay close to God; no matter how dark it got, not to let my heart grow hard; and similar things. But this was different. A perceptive observation from a truly caring (and patient) pastor helped me to see and want to deal with my own attitude more proactively. As my friend Kim said, “That’s why we need pastors. God knew that if we just judged ourselves, everybody would just ‘do right in his own eyes’ – God knew what He was doing when He established Church authority.” Of course this isn’t to say that churches never err, or that spiritual abuse doesn’t sometimes happen – but when leaders are truly motivated by love and concern for the members’ spiritual well-being, it is far less likely to be the case.

How Does a Hardened Heart Feel?

When I’m interpreting for patients in a cardiology clinic, I can anticipate the doctor’s questions: “Do you have any chest pain? Numbness or tingling down your arm? Shortness of breath?” These are always the first symptoms a physician uses to rule out heart problems. But what are the questions a “soul doctor” might hypothetically ask to diagnose a hardened heart? Perhaps:

  • Do you feel misunderstood, maligned by those who love you?
  • Have you experienced a loss of appetite for the Word of God?
  • Do you experience feelings of anger, unforgiveness or self-pity on a regular basis?
  • Are you having difficulty praying, especially for those who have hurt you?

Of course, close friends or a counselor/pastor with whom we’ve been speaking might not even have to directly ask these “diagnostic questions” to know the answers. They can often diagnose our heart-issues before we can ourselves, but a friend may be reluctant to tell us their concerns. A trained counselor or pastor isn’t. How we receive that feedback becomes the deciding factor of what we do next; and if we do not believe that the counselor genuinely cares for us, we may resist his or her counsel and become further ‘hardened’. That’s why it is so important to establish trust. Even a child will not accept guidance from someone he doesn’t believe wants his best.

The Treatment

When I was in college, I listened to a Christian hard rock band called “Petra”. (I know. Look, it was the ‘90’s. Don’t judge.) One of their songs, based on Psalm 95:7-8 and Hebrews 3:13 was called “Don’t Let Your Heart Be Hardened”. One verse went,

“Don’t let your heart be hardened/don’t let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike/ may it never grow too old
Don’t let your heart be hardened/may you always know the cure;
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure…”

We don’t like to be “broken”. On Sunday morning, we sing along with Hillsong’s Brooke Frasier “Break my heart for what breaks yours”; but we don’t want to really be broken. Being broken hurts. Having a soft heart allows it to be bruised; and after so much of that, we allow ourselves to grow callused and cold. The only ‘preventative medicine’ for a hardened heart is to stay close to Jesus, Who describes Himself as “gentle and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). He has already given us the prescription: meditating on His Word day and night; along with seeking good counsel from godly friends and mentors (Psalm 37:30). Hearing the truth spoken in love and taking the time to seek God on it ourselves emboldens us to face our own short-comings without condemnation – and gives us the courage to act accordingly.

Social Justice: Part of God’s Heart

by Marie Notcheva ©

“The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.” – John the Baptist, Luke 3:11


“Feeding a man without sharing the Gospel with him is like giving a sandwich to a man on his way to the electric chair…it is, in essence, simply making him more comfortable on his way to hell.” – K.P. Yohannan, Founder, Gospel for Asia

Here in the United States, Protestantism has largely given way to a post-modern, liberal church where the “social gospel” is preached exhaustively. The term “born again” is usually taboo, as is evangelism (“the dreaded e-word”, as a church I once attended called it). The fund-raising pitches each Sunday often take longer than the feel-good humanistic messages, and week after week the flock is subjected to fund raisers and promotions of secular service projects. Before transferring to a Gospel-preaching evangelical church, I regularly witnessed Heifer Project, Habitat for Humanity and Crop Walk being pitched as “missions opportunities” or “outreach”.

This is my background with “social justice”, and why the very mention of the words has long made me cringe. It is not that helping those in need is wrong or not a part of the Bible; on the contrary, Scripture is clear that we should do all we can to help others. The problem comes in when churches get out of balance in their teaching. All the humanitarian aid in the world is of no use spiritually if the Gospel of salvation is not being preached. Additionally, the oft-heard argument that “a hungry man will not accept the Gospel” is a myth, as the ever-increasing numbers of destitute Asian converts attest.

Of course, it is equally possible to get out of balance in the other direction, too – when conservative evangelicals get so wrapped up in political agendas, church “fellowship” suppers and tract distribution that they forget God’s basic call to compassion. One pastor I know, who champions social programs and humanitarian aid projects under the label of “missions”, mentioned the polarization between the two extremes that needs to be balanced. “Traditionally, conservative evangelical churches have been criticized for not doing enough to help the poor…..feed the hungry, help the widow and orphan….while the liberal churches can be long on mercy but short on sound doctrine. Many in the ministry want to bring the two sides together to work in unity.” A noble goal, indeed. Another pastor, a charismatic whom I greatly respected, once made the comment: “You know….the liberal churches take a lot of flak for their stance on a lot of things, and rightly so – there’s much they’re doing wrong. However, there’s one thing they’re doing right, that we in the Pentecostal church have largely missed the boat on – helping the poor. Social action is a huge part of God’s heart.” While it is so common sense as to be a no-brainer, evangelism and works of mercy were never meant to be in competition – they are both important commands of God and are meant to complement each other.

Several years ago, I completed John Macarthur’s “James” study with my church. Quite by chance, I began digging into Isaiah in my personal study to dig out the eschatological references. The first week, as I transitioned from my “James” homework into reading the first couple chapters of Isaiah, I noticed something interesting — there are several very specific parallels in those two books. It seemed like God was taking advantage of my attention span to drive home a couple of points about social justice – the term that made me shudder back at the UCC church. Besides calling us to live out our faith by helping others, both books indicate this does not happen in a vacuum. In both books, the expectation of charity to the oppressed is prefaced by a call to personal holiness.

1) In Isaiah 1:11-20, God stresses the importance of moral purity (which leads to righteous action); NOT the empty religious ritual (which He hates). This is the passage where he tells rebellious Judah how He despises their endless sacrifices and New Moon festivals – not that there was anything wrong with the ordinances themselves; but the people were acting hypocritically and deceiving only themselves. Compare this passage with James 1:19-27…which ends, 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. 26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.”

2) Isaiah 1:17 echoes James’ call throughout chapter one to social justice. God is concerned with how we treat one another as fellow believers. As mentioned above, ONLY focusing on social justice to the extent that the Gospel is neglected leaves the impression that one can work his way into heaven by volunteering enough and helping the “needy”. We do have a very real civic responsibility in this world, but a call to compassion doesn’t exclude evangelism. It goes above and beyond it. James gives a discourse on what the balance looks like. God, speaking through Isaiah, simply lays it on the line as a command: 17 learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

We shouldn’t neglect the Word in the name of social justice, or vice-versa. What good is memorizing Scripture if we don’t have love for fellow believers? Isn’t this what Paul meant by “a clanging symbol”? We cannot conjure up the kind of love that motivates us to action on our own – only a deep-seated surrender to Christ and a yielded spirit will allow for this inner transformation. God knows this, and so the first step He’s given us is repenting of our…

3) PRIDE. The age-old problem…and the solution spelled out so clearly in both books. Repentance, purifying your heart, washing your hands – and humbling yourself before God is a MAJOR parallel theme.

Isaiah 2:11-18 speaks of the pride of man being brought low, while James has to say:

James 1:21: “Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.”

All pride springs from the same root: thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought to, and placing our value on superficial things. He continues all through chapter 2 to forbid favoritism, as humans have a tendency to think more highly of themselves and each other judging by materialistic standards. One woman in my Bible study shared how shamed she had been made to feel when using food stamps in a well-heeled community’s supermarket. This is exactly the type of odious pride James is talking about, and flies in the face of the Christ-like compassion God expects of His people. Expository preaching is important, but a humble heart should be the result.

Sometimes 2 Thessalonians 3:10 is misused to justify an attitude of indifference (or even disdain) towards those “taking advantage of the welfare state”:

“For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” Not only is such an attitude selfish, it is patently unbiblical. Verses cannot be wrenched out of context to justify our own carnal meanness, and Paul’s condemnation of idleness (v. 11), laziness and “mooching” (vs. 6-9) in no way negate a Christian’s responsibility towards the brother (or sister) in lowly circumstances through no fault of his own. (Interestingly, the founder of the Bulgarian Communist Party, Georgi Dimitrov, used the phrase “He who doesn’t work shall not eat” as his party’s motto. My Bulgarian in-laws were quite surprised to learn that it was plagiarized from the pages of the Bible.) Communism is an evil, godless ideology; and is not at all what Paul and James were promoting.

The concept of “noblesse oblige”, or moral obligation of the privileged charitably assisting the less fortunate, originated with Anglo-Saxon aristocracy. Today, while abuses of the welfare system have misconstrued the Biblical basis for this virtue in the minds of many, the American church remains head and shoulders above the rest of the world in this respect. The Gospel must be taken to the ends of the earth, and we in the West are indeed the ones with the burden of responsibility to make it happen. Our AWANA programs must be run, and we should be constantly in the Word in order to correctly divide and explain it (2 Timothy 2:15). However, this in no way lessens God’s call to relive suffering in the world. If we use our means to do so in His Name, we might find our tracts and evangelistic outreaches better received as well.

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ (Matt. 25:37-40)

Ballafaqimi Biblik, një mjet i hirit – Pjesa e parë


Pa dyshim që leximi i titullit të këtij ar­tikulli ju ka bërë përshtypje. Çfa­rë ju vjen në mendje kur lexo­ni fjalët ballafaqimi biblik – një mjet i hirit? A mund të jetë kjo një mënyrë me anë të së cilës Perëndia dëshiron që ne ta jetojmë jetën e krishterë me efektshmëri për lavdinë e Tij? Ne besojmë që po. Natyrisht, ne jetojmë në një botë në të cilën ekziston ballafaqi­mi; të gjithë herët a vonë duhet që të ballafaqojmë dikë apo të ballafaqohe­mi me dikë. Është e panevojshme ta themi, por në secilin rast, të ballafaqojmë dikë apo të jemi personi që ballafaqo­het nga dikush, nuk është e lehtë, është e vështirë. Për më tepër, shumë herë fjala ballafaqim mund të ndezë aq shumë mendime dhe emocione të papëlqyeshme, saqë ne, qysh në shfaqjen e problemit ose do të shpresojmë që gjërat të zgjidhen vetë, ose do të presim derisa të jemi vënë me shpatulla pas murit, duke mos pasur asnjë zgjedhje tjetër, përveçse të themi diçka.

Në këtë pikë, shumë prej nesh nuk dinë se çfarë të thonë apo të bëjnë. Ne shpesh ndihemi të pazotë për t’i zgjidhur në mënyrën e duhur konfliktet me të cilat përballemi. Duke pasur një mungesë të kuptimit të Shkrimeve, ne rropatemi, duke u përpjekur të merremi me mëkatin në jetët tona apo të të tjerëve, pa sukses. Shpesh rezultatet janë shkatërrimtare; dhe jo vetëm kaq, problemet apo çështjet nuk trajtohen si duhet. Veç kësaj, ato traj­tohen në mënyrë jo të perëndishme, du­ke e zmadhuar problemin dhe duke e bërë shumë më keq nga ç’ishte më parë. Fatmirësisht, ne nuk jemi pa ndihmën e Zotit. Ai na ka dhënë shpresë dhe ndih­më, jo vetëm me të vërteta të sigurta dhe të besueshme, por edhe “premtime të çmuara dhe shumë të mëdha” (2 e Pjetrit 1; Romakëve 15:4), të mbështetura vetëm në karakterin e dashur të Perëndisë.

Për më tepër, ballafaqimi biblik është një nga ato dhurata nga Ati, që, të kuptuara si duhet, Perëndia i përdor në jetët tona, për më të mirën e mundshme – për një bashkim prekës dhe të shëndetshëm me veten e Tij dhe njëri-tjetrin. Së bashku do të shohim se çfarë është dhe çfarë nuk është balla­faqimi biblik, çfarë e pengon atë dhe se si mund ta rrënjosim atë si zakonin e përditshëm që Perëndia e ka përcaktuar që të jetë (Hebrenjve 3:12-13).

Përcaktimi i ballafaqimit biblik

Së pari, ne duhet të kemi të qar­të diçka: ballafaqimi biblik fillon me Biblën. Ajo ka shumë për të thënë për këtë dhuratë të hirit të Perëndisë (1 Pjetrit 1:23; Psalmi 19; Psalmi 119). Pa dy­shim, ndërsa ne lexojmë Biblën, ba­lla­faqimi del në qendër të skenës. Ai shfa­qet që nga fillimi dhe vazhdon drejt e deri në fund. Përgjatë gjithë Biblës gjendet një linjë e vazhdueshme përvojash ballafaqimi; jo vetëm nga Perëndia, kryesisht, por edhe nga njerëzit – bashkë­bisedimi ballë për ballë, që përfshin marrëdhëniet ose ndërmjet individëve, ose kombeve. Kudo që shohim, ballafaqimi është i pranishëm. Nga Bibla ne kuptojmë që ballafaqimi është pjesë e jetës dhe ka qenë i pranishëm përgjatë gjithë historisë. Veç kësaj, ndihemi apo jo rehat me këtë fakt, edhe ne duhet të përballemi me të, dhe si të krishterë, jo në mënyrën se si bota merret me të: me inat, zemërim, tërbim, me qëllimin për të arritur synimet personale, por për t’u mbështetur me vendosmëri në të vërtetat biblike, duke e bërë me përulësi dhe butësi (2 e Timoteut 2:24-26), me synimin për t’u çliruar dhe kapur fort pas Urdhërimit të Parë dhe të Dytë më të rëndësishëm. Prandaj për të kuptuar si duhet se çfarë është ballafaqimi biblik, ne duhet t’i mbajmë duart tona mbi Biblën dhe mendjen tonë tek Fjala e Perëndisë (Kolosianëve 3:1-3).

Tani, ndërsa eksplorojmë Fjalën e Perëndisë, ne duhet të kuptojmë qar­­të se cili është qëllimi për të cilin ja­në shkruar dhe caktuar Shkrimet. Përndryshe, ne ose nuk do të shkojmë fare te Shkrimet ose kur të shkojmë atje, ne do të keqinterpretojmë atë që ato na thonë të bëjmë. Letra e dytë e Timoteut 3:16-17 konstaton procesin përmes të cilit ne mund të përfitojmë nga Shkrimet – në këtë rast, sipas një renditjeje specifike; së pari, ato janë të dobishme për mësim – duke qenë se besimi vjen nga dëgjimi i Fjalës së Perëndisë (Romakëve 10:17); e dyta vjen bindja, e përkthyer gjithashtu si qortim– është një paralajmërim i cili nxjerr në pah mëkatin ose fajin tonë, dhe kjo duhet të prodhojë ndjenjën e fajit, kështu që ne kuptojmë që kemi bërë diçka të gabuar; e treta është ndreqja – shfaqja e pikës së ndryshimit. Ky është vendi ku një mëkat ose gabim korri­gjohet dhe demonstrohet një mënyrë tjetër për të vepruar. Ndreqja e korri­gjon një faj. Së fundmi, pasi kalojmë përmes tre hapave të parë të këtij vargu, fillon edukimi – në drejtësi – këtu ndodh ndryshimi i vërtetë transfor­mues. Për më tepër, këtu zë vend ushtrimi i sjelljeve të reja: “duke zhveshur” sjell­jen e vjetër dhe “duke veshur” të renë, siç përshkru­het tek Efesianëve 4 dhe Kolosianëve 3. Si pasojë, pasi kalon pak kohë, diçka e bukur ndodh, ndryshimi për të cilin lutemi dhe e dëshirojmë bëhet realitet, sepse ne kemi përvetësuar mënyra të reja të të jetuarit, me anë të fuqisë së Frymës së Shenjtë, përmes bindjes ndaj Shkrimeve.

Në mënyrë të ngjashme, Paul Tripp, autori i librit me titull “Instrumente në duart e Shpenguesit”, i përkthyer së fundmi në gjuhën shqipe, thekson këtë forcë lëvizëse të çmuar ndryshimi, si synim i ballafaqimit biblik. Ai e shpjegon hartën e rrugës së ndryshimit në katër pjesë, duke filluar në faqen 241, dhe na ndihmon ta kuptojmë procesin me pyetje të mprehta: 1) Fillon me shqyrtimin – “Çfarë dëshiron Perëndia që personi të shohë (rreth vetes, Perëndisë, të tjerëve, jetës, së vërtetës, ndryshimit) të cilën ai nuk e shikon?”; 2) Tjetra, rrëfimi (qortim ose bindje) – “Çfarë dëshiron Perëndia që personi të pranojë apo të rrëfejë?”; 3) Pastaj, përkushtimi (korrigjimi) – “Në ç’mënyra të reja jetese po e thërret Perëndia këtë person?”; 4) Së fundmi, ndryshimi (edukimi në drejtësi) – Si duhet që këto përkushtime të reja të zbatohen në jetesën e përditshme?”. Në të vërtetë, përdorimi i kësaj harte për ndryshimin, e cila është e rrënjosur në Letrën e Dytë të Timoteut 3:16-17, na jep neve drejtimin që na nevojitet: ndryshimi transformues është synimi dhe qëllimi i ballafaqimit.

Gjithashtu, me qëllim që ky ndryshim të ndodhë, ballafaqimi duhet t’i drejtohet zemrës, meqë ajo është vendi ku fillon tundimi. Nëse nuk i drejtohet zemrës, ne do të përpiqemi të merremi vetëm me shfaqjet e jashtme, të cilat janë rezultat i veprave mëkatare. Po, duhet të merremi me frytin mëkatar, por nuk është ai vendi nga i cili duhet të fillojmë, meqenëse fryti mëkatar thjesht dëshmon dhe zbulon frytin e keq. Prandaj, ashtu siç thuhet edhe tek Mateu 15:19, ne duhet të fillojmë nga rrënja e problemeve, përndryshe do të fokusohemi në vendin e gabuar (Fjalët e Urta 4:23; Jeremia 17:9). Për më tepër, Perëndia fillon këtu – në zemër, kur Ai merret me mëkatin, i cili në fund të fundit kryhet kundër Atij dhe më pas edhe kundër të tjerëve. Ngaqë Perëndia me­rret me mëkatin në këtë mënyrë, kështu duhet të veprojmë edhe ne. Pa dyshim që Zoti Perëndi na jep një shembull të qartë, tek Zanafilla 3 dhe 4, të llojit të bashkë­bisedimit të cilin ne duhet ta përvetësojmë ndërsa përpiqemi të sjellim Perëndinë dhe Fjalën e Tij në marrëdhë­niet që ai vendos para nesh; qofshin ato konfliktuale ose jo. Në të vërtetë, të kuptuarit e forcës lëvizëse të përfshirë në ballafaqimin biblik, përbrenda kontekstit të bashkëbisedimit dhe marrë­dhënieve, sjell realitetin që ajo nuk duhet të kufizojë rezultatet dhe përfytyrimet dëmtuese, shpërthyese, tmerruese dhe armiqësore, të cilat shpesh na vijnë në mendje; duke na penguar të angazhohemi në misionin shpëtues, pjesë e të cilit Perëndia dëshiron që të jemi. Ballafaqimi biblik për­fshin komunikimin, bashkëbisedimin me një person ballë për ballë. Vini re se si Perëndia është shembulli i përkryer i kësaj force ndryshuese kur ai merret me mëkatin e Adamit, Evës dhe Kainit. Pasi mëkati hyri në botë, Perëndia iu qas Adamit dhe Evës me pyetje: “Ku je?” dhe “Çfarë ke bërë?”. Po ashtu edhe Kainit: “Pse je pezmatuar dhe pse fytyra jote është e dëshpëruar?”. Në të njëjtën mënyrë edhe ne mund t’i ballafaqojmë të tjerët në mënyrë biblike.

Për shembull, supozoni që do të ta­koheshit me Sandrën (një person imagjinar) në një bar-kafe. Ju vini re që ajo është jashtëzakonisht e pezmatuar dhe e inatosur. Ndërsa ajo ju afrohet, flokët e saj tunden qëllimisht sa para mbrapa. Ajo përplas takat fort në tokë ndërsa ecën. Fytyra e saj është e kuqe, shprehja e saj e ashpër dhe e vrazhdë. S’ka pikë dyshimi në mendjen tënde, që ajo është e nxehur për diçka. Kur ajo ulet në një karrige përballë teje, lotët fillojnë t’i bien dhe ajo mbulon fytyrën me duar. Ju vëreni shpatullat e saj që dridhen ndërsa ajo dënes qetësisht. Ju jeni të vetëdijshëm që diçka ka ndo­dhur dhe e ka shqetësuar miken tuaj. Pyetjet vrapojnë vrullshëm në mendjen tuaj: “Çfarë duhet të them?” ose “Çfarë duhet të bëj?”, “Si mund ta ngushëlloj miken time?”. Zemra juaj dërrmohet nga dhembshuria dhe dashuria, por përbrenda ju filloni të përlesheni, duke mos ditur se si ta ndihmoni. Ju zgjasni dorën për ta ngushëlluar dhe, në këtë pikë, të keni një arsyetim të qartë se si të arrini tek ajo që ka ndodhur në të vërtetë është vendimtar. Edhe nëse personi nuk është i krishterë.

Për më tepër, qëllimi ynë si të krish­terë është t’i çojmë të gjitha marrë­dhëniet tona në drejtim të Perëndisë, duke e vendosur Atë qëllimisht në qendër të gjithçkaje. Ne duhet ta bëjmë Perëndinë pjesë të tablosë. Prandaj, ne duhet t’ia fillojmë nga Perëndia dhe Fjala e Tij, duke u përqendruar saktësisht atje ku Ai dëshiron, në zemër. Sepse Fjala e Perëndisë është “e gjallë dhe vepruese” dhe “është në gjendje të gjykojë mendimet dhe dëshirat e zemrës” (Hebrenjve 4:12). Ajo depërton thellë dhe shpesh sjell mjaft rezistencë, madje edhe brenda zemrave tona; ne nuk e pëlqejmë dritën që ndriçon në botën tonë të e­rrët. Ndonjëherë ne jemi të tunduar të shmangim atë që thotë Perëndia. Veç kësaj, përpjekjet tona për të ndihmuar do të jenë të përqendruara gabimisht në atë se si një person do të reagojë, duke dëshiruar një rezultat të caktuar dhe jo në atë se si të nxisim bindje ndaj Perëndisë, përulësisht për lavdinë e Tij, duke i sjellë të tjerët më afër Perëndisë dhe në unitetin e Frymës së Shenjtë brenda trupit të Krishtit.

Blair dhe Sue Alvidrez, së bashku me vajzën e tyre 13-vjeçare, Katie, je¬toj¬¬në në qytetin e Tiranes. Ata janë nga Kentucky, Amerikë. Blair dhe Sue ja¬në anëtarë të shoqatës kombëtare të “Nouthetic Counselors” dhe janë këshillu¬es biblikë të certifikuar. Janë në procesin e përmbushjes së një përkushtimi 10-vjeçar në shërbesë në Shqipëri.

Biblical Womenhood: Breaking Molds and Building Each Other Up

This article originally appeared on the Biblical Counseling for Women site on February 18, 2016. I do not think any other article I have ever written has stirred up the poop-storm of controversy this one has, eloquently making my point for me. My harshest critics were utterly incapable of explaining what, specifically, they disagreed with on biblical grounds. Emotional reactions and passive-aggressive non-responses from my detractors only served to better prove my point.  
Sometimes women themselves are afraid to think critically, and question whether all they’ve taught as being “biblical” truly is. How complicated legalism makes following Christ, when He has given so many and varied giftings to His daughters! 
Biblical Womanhood: Breaking Molds and Building Each Other Up

If you are an American* evangelical woman over the age of 30, chances are you have encountered at least some of the following:

  • Surprise that you cannot attend a mid-week ladies’ Bible study, because you’re at work at that time;
  • Disappointment from others that you don’t home school your children;
  • Mild feelings of inferiority because you do not bake your own bread (you tried….and failed);
  • Frustration at the poor exegesis in Bible study materials marketed to women;
  • Your husband being cornered by several men at a social gathering, who are grilling him on why he “lets” his wife work outside the home;
  • Nagging guilt because you rarely get home from work in time to drive your children to AWANA or Youth Group.

Stop the Guilt! It’s Not Biblical

Maybe you’ve even wondered at times about a “wardrobe makeover,” to better reflect how ‘biblical womanhood’ is portrayed in Christian magazines. As Elyse Fitzpatrick writes in her excellent book, Good News for Weary Women, “Many of the practices we Christian women pressure ourselves (and each other) to uphold are unnecessary and burdensome.” While drafting this article, I came across an online magazine called, Keepers at Home.  Dedicated to the idea that holy = cooking/sewing/cleaning, the site sells a Little Keepers at Home handbook “so that girls ages 4 to 6, can begin to be little keepers and future Christian homemakers!” (Emphasis mine.) Really? Do we really want to send our daughters the message that being a follower of Jesus essentially means cooking well and doing craft projects? Of course, some women love homeschooling their children, baking, and teaching Sunday School – and are good at it! These are great activities, and women who enjoy them should be encouraged.

But so should the women who don’t.

“Biblical womanhood” is an ambiguous catch-phrase which has gained popularity in recent years, often subjectively interpreted to mean “stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who sews and bakes.” As I mentioned in last week’s post, the resurgence of extreme patriarchal thought and overly-conservative gender roles is probably more in response to radical feminism than to the spirit of the Scriptures. What Christian women need to realize is that following Christ does not limit them strictly to homemaking duties, but rather frees them to embrace the unique gifts, abilities and calling He has placed on their lives. As author Sarah Bessey writes, “A man is most truly “helped” when a woman is walking in the fullness of her anointing and gifts and intelligence and strength, not when she reduces herself out of a misguided attempt at righteousness.”

‘Biblical Womanhood’ Takes Many Different Forms

To be sure, no serious student of Scripture would deny the God-ordained gender roles He has established. Nature itself, as well as both the Old and New Testament, inform us of responsibilities (including child-rearing; care of household; and spousal support). Candidly, I am a complementarian and am not arguing that women should seek to usurp their husbands, or fill a man’s role. But what is often instilled in evangelical women is that their gifts and abilities should be channeled only  into homemaking, and to seek to use them elsewhere does not honor God. This leads to needless guilt, which comes out both in the counseling room and in private. One source of depression among Christian women is feeling unable to live up to the expectations of being a perfectly ‘submissive wife’ and perfect homemaker.

This is a heavy burden to carry, but for a woman with a college degree it can be devastating – she may even be conditioned to feel guilt for having a career. Using the fine mind God has given her is a way of glorifying Him; and women need to be told this. The world needs more Christian women in medicine; in the hard sciences; and in other fields. Far from being unbiblical, God is greatly honored when His daughters work up to their highest potential. A woman can only serve God with joy if she is doing what she loves; and if she loves computer science more than doing crafts at women’s conferences, she has the freedom in Christ to pursue it. (My oldest daughter, 19, is a freshman at a secular university majoring in chemical engineering. Not only is she preparing academically for a very worthy career, but also, due to the discernment and critical thinking skills she has developed, she is able to discern the anti-God bias and unbiblical worldview inherent in any university). This is as valid a model of “biblical womanhood” as is learning any homemaking skills I have taught her.

The Balancing Act

A well-known celebrity pastor spoke at a conference several years ago on biblically-prescribed gender roles, and categorically claimed that women who pursue careers are outside of God’s will (ie sinning). His entire message was based on Titus 2:5, but he did not touch on the fact that the home can be “kept” by delegating some responsibilities, as the Proverbs 31 woman did. He cited an encounter he’d had with two female students at a Christian university who challenged his view. A law student and a medical student, they insisted they would be as good at motherhood as they would be at their perspective careers. “No you won’t,” the pastor rebutted. “The average physician or attorney works 60 hours per week. You will not be raising your children; you will be paying someone else to raise them.”

While the pastor’s point had some validity – most careers do demand long days and on-call status – it was his black-and-white thinking (and painting all career women everywhere as ‘outside of God’s will’) that was wrong. What he seemed to miss is that there are times and seasons; flexibility of schedules at certain points in careers; options to take unpaid leave. Doctors and lawyers, who are well-paid and will always have job security, have the option of cutting back on their hours during child-bearing years. One of the godliest women I know is a family physician in England. Having recently become a mother, she still practices medicine while raising her own child and being active in her church (where her husband is a deacon). Even after maternity leave ends, it is possible to pursue a career without becoming derelict in one’s duties as a mother.

Embracing Our God-Given Identity

What, then, is ‘biblical womanhood’? (Is it possible to read that phrase without an image of a long dress and head covering coming to mind?) It should be possible. Biblical womanhood means a woman, heart sold out to her King, pursuing the life He ordained for her, and her alone, to live. It means cultivating the passions and talents He has uniquely gifted her with. It means being a leader like Deborah; a businesswoman like Lydia; an instructor of her children like Lois and Eunice; and being actively engaged in charitable work like Dorcas. It can mean staying home and teaching her children full-time, if that’s her calling; it can mean becoming a nuclear physicist or isolating the cancer genome if that is the passion God has instilled in her heart. Just as there are “many members of the Body” (1 Cor. 12:12), there are many individual versions of womanhood that fall well within God’s blessing. Living up to their personal and academic potential to the glory of God is a message girls and women in the evangelical church desperately need to hear. Shake off others’ expectations (no matter how “holy” they may sound); and embrace who you – and only you – were meant to be in Christ. This is true ‘biblical womanhood’!


*Home schooling is illegal in most countries, and women electing not to be employed is not an economic option in most of the world. Even among conservative Christians, the expectation in the Western world is that women will receive higher education and pursue careers commensurate with men.