An Open Letter to Heath Lambert and Leadership of ACBC

victimsToday Dr. Heath Lambert, Executive Director of ACBC (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors – formerly “NANC”, National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) sent out a Statement regarding their upcoming annual conference, which purports to support and minister to abuse victims. He seemed especially concerned about how their counsel will come across, in the wake of disgraced pastor Paige Patterson’s recent remarks regarding abused wives and the subsequent scandal (one of many involving the evangelical/Reformed Church and their cover-ups on abuse).

Having been both on the inside as a nouthetic counselor and subsequently re-victimized by an ACBC-affiliated group (one of whom graduated from the same seminary as Lambert), I wrote the following open letter to share some of my years of experience in counseling and talking to survivors of spiritual abuse:

“Dear Dr. Lambert, and Board of ACBC,

It is with great sadness and concern that I respond to your Statement emailed to me on 5/23/18 regarding your upcoming Annual Conference “Light in the Darkness: Biblical Counseling and Abuse”.

As I’m sure you are aware, the very organization of which you serve as executive director, and proponents of the nouthetic counseling model at large, have been notoriously inept at providing the care, counsel and protection that women in abusive relationships and particularly marriages have most needed. The recent scandal over SBC leader Paige Patterson’s comments dismissing the severity of abuse Christian women often endure in their marriages was hardly uncommon or an anomaly; rather, it was simply the public nature of his insensitive (and unbiblical) comments that created the controversy.

Unfortunately, his opinion that Christian women in abusive marriages should simply “stay and submit” (I am paraphrasing for the sake of brevity) appears to be, by and large, the opinion adhered to by many, if not most, Reformed conservative churches in the United States and the counselors certified by your organization in particular. It grieves and concerns myself, as well as many others in Christian abuse-survivor advocacy ministries, that ACBC is holding a conference on counseling abuse cases when we know of so many hundreds of women who have been grievously harmed by the “counsel” some ACBC advocates and practitioners promote.

Specifically, from the many testimonies I and many other counselors and writers have received, both male and female, it is modus operandi in churches adhering to the nouthetic counseling model to counsel, then pressure, and finally try and coerce female victims of marital abuse (whether physical, emotional, or both) to “reconcile” with their abusers at all cost. Lip-service is paid to the need for the abusers’ repentance; but when it is not forthcoming (more specifically, the right words are said within the counseling room, absent any real admission of guilt or changed heart) the woman is unilaterally “pursued in love” – in an Orwellian phrase literally meaning stalked, harassed, and even blackmailed with threats of excommunication – into “reconciling” with the man who has adeptly learned to play the game in front of spiritual authorities. Nothing has changed; he has thus become more empowered by his spiritual leaders; and the woman is more smashed down than ever – being admonished that this is “God’s will” for her life. The marriage must be preserved at all costs; even at great cost to her emotions, sanity, even life. By submitting to this unbiblical pattern of the marriage covenant, she thus demonstrates willingness to accept (and even enable) a sinful representation of the one-flesh relationship of what marriage is supposed to be in front of her children. Unsurprisingly, the cycle thus repeats itself in subsequent generations.

I would highly recommend to you the 21 sermons preached on the evil of marital abuse by respected pastor Jeff Crippen (Unholy Charade; A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church) as well as my own book, Fractured Covenants: The Hidden Problem of Marital Abuse in the Church. I would also like to refer you to the works of Lundy Bancroft (particularly his Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men). While not a Christian, Bancroft is widely considered the foremost expert in the field of domestic abuse and unpacking the heart-motivations and psychology of psychologically abusive men. At least one pastor, one of the few who has had the courage to speak out about the evil of domestic abuse (and how it is broadly swept under the rug) has stated publically that Bancroft has done more to help women in abusive marriages than anyone in the Church has. This should not be so. As Rachel Denhollander recently stated,

“The Church is the least safe place for victims of abuse.”

This is a painfully true and tragically sad statement. While it may be coated in the most spiritual-sounding language possible, the reality is that abuse, whatever its form, is by and large minimized by proponents of nouthetic counseling and victims are urged to “forgive and forget” absent any real repentance on the part of their abusers. This does not promote healing; nor does it reflect the heart of Christ, Who is a Protector and Defender of the Innocent (Isaiah 1:17; Proverbs 17:15) and will not even hear the prayer of a man who sins against his wife (1 Peter 3:7). Both the Mosaic Covenant and the New Testament Epistles make clear provision for wives who are mistreated by their husbands (see Pastor Herb Vander Lugt’s God’s Protection of Women: When Abuse is Worse than Divorce or chapter 3 of my Fractured Covenants for a thorough exegetical treatment of the subject). Conversely, what is largely taught in churches that subscribe to nouthetic counseling is that no abuse, including physical beatings and even including adultery, is ever grounds for divorce. The Permanence Doctrine? Since when are Calvinistic doctrines more important than people’s lives?

Neither John Calvin himself nor the Early Church Fathers took such dogmatic a view. Part of the problem, which I believe your conference should address in October, is faulty training at the nouthetic counseling course level. When I became certified as a nouthetic counselor in 2011 (through the Institute for Nouthetic Studies – INS), I completed 185 lecture hours (mostly delivered by the respectable bastions of nouthetic counseling Jay Adams and Donn Arms), as well as having read many thousands of pages of required books. The problem of marital abuse merited less than 10 minutes in one lecture, and was largely brushed aside as something a woman should talk to her pastor about, and if it persisted, he should send “two of his biggest deacons” over to the house to set things right. Emotional abuse of all types was dismissed: “Emotional abuse does not exist, because emotions cannot be abused.” Please let me assure you that emotional abuse does very much exist; is incredibly damaging; and is patently unbiblical. Please see my articles “Carrying the Wounds of Emotional Abuse”, which was originally published by Biblical Counseling for Women but deleted after I committed the unpardonable sin of fleeing an abuser and exposing him publically, and “The Culture of Abuse in Christian Slavic Marriages”, published by the Biblical Counseling Coalition (I was a part of this sub-culture for over 20 years). Interestingly, it was for the latter – in which I spoke about Lyubka Savenok, the young Russian woman murdered by her husband after being counseled by her pastors to “reconcile” with him, that I was censured by the elders of my then-church and essentially blacklisted by many in the nouthetic counseling movement.

Will your conference directly and honestly address glaring questions (When does an abused woman have biblical grounds for divorce? What is repentance? How do we gauge it? What recourse does an abused woman have?) or will you side-step them, as I have so often observed your leaders do?  Using spiritual-language and cherry-picking verses absent of hermeneutical context can so easily be done to not only control the narrative, but manipulate how one’s followers think – and counsel others. We know this from the famous writings of George Orwell, and history itself.  Please, I beg of you, do not send your followers back into the pews of their churches with a  handful of verses, only to exhort desperate women to “reconcile” with their (usually unrepentant) abusers, in order to “glorify God”. I have seen this over and over, and it not only presents a grossly distorted view of the marriage covenant, but it destroys lives and misrepresents the Christ Who meets us in our pain. Inadvertently, ACBC often grooms  hundreds of unqualified “counselors” back to their churches to inflict secondary pain and guilt on abused women. Never have I seen victim-shaming to the extent I have seen it coming out of the nouthetic counseling movement, and I say that both as a former insider and as a formerly victimized wife.

Please do not read this as an indictment of the nouthetic counseling movement as a whole – as a church elder I know once said, “Things are rarely completely black and white; good or bad.” The older and wiser I get, the more I realize this to be true. Nouthetic counseling and experienced individuals from within the movement have indeed helped a great many people, and for that I am grateful. Countless marriages have been saved by godly men and women, on equal footing, going to a wise counselor to help them get their relationship on track. In the area of substance abuse, in which I specialize (my first book, Redeemed from the Pit, is considered a valuable resource among nouthetic counselors), the biblical principle of “putting off” destructive and sinful behavior and “putting on” healthy and God-honoring behavior in its place is well-applied with those struggling with life-dominating addictions. Many have testified to the help that God has graciously provided, through the Scriptures. But many have also testified to the immense hurt done to them by nouthetic counselors, especially inexperienced ones.

Unfortunately, many nouthetic counselors have proven themselves woefully inept at providing any kind of helpful, godly, or compassionate care when it comes to areas such as depression, or spousal abuse (which is a completely separate issue from marital counseling, make no mistake). Even the beloved pastor of many Reformed Christians and nouthetic counselors alike, John Piper, laughingly stated in a “Desiring God” interview that a wife who is physically abused by her husband should “endure being smacked around for a season”, and then perhaps go to her church leaders for help. (He has since partially retracted that statement, begrudgingly allowing that she may have justification at points to go to the local authorities, i.e. the police.) This is a frightening, almost sickening minimization of domestic abuse, which is all too common in Reformed churches.

Please understand, Dr. Lambert, that the scars of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse take far longer to heal. Humiliation (especially in front of the children); false accusations; screaming fits; degradation over everything from failure to parallel park to undercooking the potatoes; constant criticism; dealing with a man with narcissistic personality disorder and anger issues so deep he refuses to see himself as the problem; a one-verse-fits-all-‘well-you’re-the-spiritual-leader-of-your household’ response from church leadership coupled with “God hates divorce” (failing to exegete the rest of that verse, which discusses treacherous treatment of one’s wife) – this is the reality so many of us Christian women currently deal with, or have in the past. It is a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy, only compounded by the local church’s re-victimization of the woman and failure to confront the abuser and put him out of the Church, as Scripture commands (Psalm 74:10; Luke 6:22; 1 Cor. 5:11). And yet, when we women who have for so long been on the receiving end of this treatment speak out and expose the sin, as Scripture commands us to do (Ephesians 5:11), we are called “bitter” and accused of “sin” and “slander” (which, by definition, must be false. It is statistically very unusual for a woman to make up an abuse allegation – the truth is frightening enough).

The charge of “bitterness” when we finally find the strength to stand up for ourselves, speak out, and, absent repentance (which is extremely rare in the cases of pathologically abusive men) seems to be a trump card pulled out as a conversation-stopper when an inconvenient truth (especially one belying a pattern in the Church) is brought to light. While I received much support from within the Christian community during the ordeal of leaving my unrepentant abuser (and subsequently being harassed and blackmailed by my former religious community), and also notably by several male, high-ranking members of the nouthetic counseling sphere who were extremely sympathetic, by far the most hateful and vitriolic message I received was from one of your own – a female ACBC conference headliner, ironically enough, divorced from an abuser (and re-married) years before. Christian charity restrains me from revealing her name. The hypocrisy at times is astounding, and because abused Christian women with a voice are increasingly willing to search the Scriptures for themselves, we are often seen as a threat to your agenda.

Which, it is increasingly clear, is itself unclear.

In your Statement, you wrote:

“This entire situation should remind all Christians of the urgency required in protecting the victims of abuse.”

I quite agree, Dr. Lambert. So why is there no real action, or meaningful “confrontation” going on? In Massachusetts, where I live, pastors (like teachers) are mandated reporters. When I reported sufficient, but not exhaustive details of the abuse; when my adult daughter cried out (twice) to our former (ACBC-affiliated) pastors for help; when my 18-year-old son documented with them details of both the physical and emotional abuse inflicted against him, why was the abuser protected and enabled? Why was I cast in the light as the villain, for speaking out? Do the confines of patriarchal authoritarian teaching so silence the (female) victim, that no behavior, regardless of how ungodly, will be seen as the “deeds of darkness” for which it is? What are they teaching in seminaries these days? How is ACBC really equipping its followers?

I thank God that my current pastor and the many Christian counselors and friends God has brought into my path see abuse for the destructive evil it really is. While I qualitatively respect the nouthetic counseling field for the good it has done, I prayerfully hope that you will reconsider your doctrinal approach to confronting and rectifying the epidemic problem of marital abuse (in its various forms) that exists within the shadows of evangelical Christianity.

Your sister in Christ,

Marie O’Toole (formerly Marie Notcheva)




11 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Heath Lambert and Leadership of ACBC

  1. Leanne

    When I sought counseling for the abusive marriage I was in, my now-ex and I first went to our pastor, who told me during the first session we had with him and ‘verbal abuse’ is not in the Bible and not Biblical grounds for divorce. And he refused to read Lundy Bancroft’s book, a book which was the MOST helpful one I’d read at that time (16 years ago), because “he wasn’t a Christian.”

    The second counselor we went to – on the advice of that pastor – was a nothetic counselor and the worst of the 3 we went to over a course of 2 years. She initially seemed sympathetic to what I was going thru, but soon became my abusive husbands ally against me. I was accused of bitterness and sin, and was commanded to accept his ‘apologies’ (in which he basically said ‘I am sorry for the things you say I did that hurt you, but I did them because you did -xyz-‘) and told I was unforgiving by both him (husband) and her (counselor) when I would point out that he was still doing what I had bought up as a problem.

    The third counselor we went to was the ‘best’ in that he acknowledged there was verbal abuse, but he thot the first thing we had to deal with was my husband’s ‘communication problems’. I still remember the session of the 3 of us when my ex twisted what I had just said into the opposite of what I had said, and that counselor sat there is a ‘deer in the headlights’ expression on his face. He saw what had happened, and did not know how to deal with it. By that time I had learned that couples counseling was the worst thing to do when there’s abuse going on, because it just gave my ex more weapons to use against me outside of the counselors’ offices.

    The third counselor was also the ‘best’ because he was the only one who did not make the abuse all my fault for not submitting/praying/being nice… enough. The nothetic counselor was the worst, and altho the pastor was a close second.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Serving Kids in Japan

    Dear Marie,

    Thank you so much for writing this letter. I’ve never been through nouthetic counselling myself, but I’ve read enough stories to know that this wake up call is badly needed. No doubt in my mind that many counsellors, and especially Lambert, need to hear this.

    A minor point: In the first paragraph, the hyperlink which (apparently) is supposed to take us to Heath Lambert’s statement leads back to this article instead. Just in case anyone is interested in reading his words in full.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Annie

    This article is helping shed light on what I went through, I would like to read your books
    I’m in the UK , I am intelligent and loyal christian lady

    My x was a church leader and can be very kind and altruistic sometimes, but in our marriage he was intolerant, emotionally and spiritually abusive and continuously critical of others he disagreed with and tried to restrict my access to friends and family
    He would ‘judge’ my ‘relationship with God ‘ by berating me if I sought medical help (lack of faith, unbelief, ‘displeasing” to Him , and he wanted me to be by his side almost all the time. When I was frightened by this he’d be accusing me for having fear, he’d say ‘feelings don’t matter, kick them out and get the joy of the lotd’, if I was angry with his provoking me he’d say I had a demonst and try to deliver me ,basically I got uneasy and scared then started to doubt my sanity and my walk with jesus

    When we went to a Christian marriage counsellor I let him speak first and he told her how concerned he was about my poor health, inability to cope with myself, my sadness, fear, anger etc (I did lash out at him once or twice in frustration when he was throwing judgements at me and I couldn’t take any more )
    I just cried and lost heart hearing him say all this and I felt shame and guilt (probably false guilt)
    My x was an addiction counsellor and reformed addict of many years so he had all the language ,and he refused to see any other counsellors after this one time, saying no one could counsel him , so I felt I had no one who could help us.
    The apostle over our church totally believed my x, seemed to think I just would be fine if I had physical healing, I needed to overcome unbelief, proclaim scriptures and forgive and forget and be patient with spouse
    I’d actually suffered for 3 years, really did love my x and desperately wanted it you work out, I had become convinced I must be the problem and spent days repenting confessing sin, trying to believe etc,attending conferences with x,
    I separated brIe fly when I was scared because of his intimidation and he was restricting my ability to leave the house but I went back when the apostle said ‘do you love each other (both said yes), do you forgive and forget ..
    I do forgive but I didn’t trust his behaviour would change and I didn’t see genuine repentance at the time (subsequently he has been calmer and more specific in saying sorry but still with lots of blameshifting shifting)
    Anyway, within a day of going back I called the police because I was frightened by his behaviour and I did not go back
    Sadly he never showed insight as to what was going on, said I’d ‘sided with the unbelievers’and ‘chosen your unsaved family ‘over him ,accused me of being controlled by unbelievers etcetc
    So sad, I just had to go to my sisters for safety and try and get peace of mind.
    1 year on we are divorced, he is very calm, peaceful outwardly, if we talked I’m tempted to think he’s the nicest man in the world, he can be very empathetic npw if i speak to hm , but im rauma bondedand obsessed with making sure I forgive him and bless him, and I miss the ‘nice’ side of him (there is one ) ,I’m trying to go no contact since because I feel I still love him Im in danger of being sacked back in, even though I know in my head I had to divorce him for my own well being, and I feel very conflicted about what happened, I’m still in recovery and still physically weak.,with some chronic fatigue like issues and reduced mobility, which I find so very upsetting. It’s hard for me to get in to any sort of normal routine.
    Meanwhile I’m shockedat how low my self esteem is, and I’m gradually rebuilding and drawing nearer to jesus, I still find some scripture readings and church services tough at times.
    I’m only writing this because on the surface it looked like we were the perfect couple
    I’m not bitter just broken but desiring recovery and I’ve faith that jesus is restoring me, but I’ve been so sad that my x and the church circle I’ve been in have been so poor at seeing what’s happened and helping me through

    Liked by 1 person

  4. MB

    Handling abuse is a very challenging situation. We could all grow in this area, but it does seem most of the ire is reserved for “the church” and for those with a higher view of Scripture and/or are conservative. Furthermore, any protest from those in those groups, or refusal to repent in dust and ashes, is treated as confirmation of their incompetency and/or evil hearts, or somehow blamed on their theology. It is true so many churches, ministries, and leaders are unequipped, and some are even corrupts, and far too many ultimately fail to minister to and love those in abusive relationships. However, there are many other things to consider: 1. It seems women are always (or just about always) assumed to be the victim, yet many men are abused (yes, even physically) by women [Yes, women are the vast majority of victims of abuse] 2. Are we to believe all of these anecdotal stories of counselors or pastors insisting/demanding that the abused remain in the these abusive situations? I know of several situations where the actual counsel given is twisted (or, perhaps, misunderstood), and then is repeated to others over and over. This is a form of slander, gossip, and lying, all of which are hyper-destructive to the church, and actually prevents reconciliation, healing, etc. In these situations the abused person was supported in separating, but if all her demands were not met (the women in these situations often gets other counsel that is erroneous, not based on facts, etc). 3. This is not just a church/Christian problem (although many churches and people in the church DO deserve rebuke, consequences, etc). Police have an exceedingly hard time coming into abusive situations and determining the facts of what is actually going on. 4. Many victims reject the help and advice they are given. 5. If we … WE … as the Church had the fortitude and to accurately and appropriately address and handle sin (instead of mocking or minimizing this supremely loving endeavor, instead of attacking those who call sin “sin,” etc) then we would prevent so much abuse from ever happening. Yet far too many self-proclaiming Christ-Followers are loathed to address our biggest problem: sin and the consequences of sin. This is a growing M.O., perhaps out of political correctness, but often as a poor and foolish reaction to the (real or perceived) mishandling of sin, abuse, etc by certain people in the Church. I could go on, but very few people are willing to drill down on the reality of the deeper problems here.


    1. Thank you – all very true. Point number 3 about police having a hard time – also agreed. I experienced this maddening situation recently, when the police had to get involved as my ex was abusing our 12 year old daughter. The school filed a 51 A with DCF, but the police report noted “corporal punishment” and was unable to acknowledge the ongoing verbal, psychological and emotional abuse that catalysed it. I’m sure the same happens with reports of domestic violence among adults.


  5. I endured decades of abuse at the hands of a man who wrote two books on the End Times and runs a small Prayer ministry. We got saved 8 years into our marriage, but it did not bring any change, he simply slipped on Spiritual abuse like a well fitting glove. I decided to use my pain as a platform and wrote a book called Dear Younger Me, victim to Victor by Victoria King, available on Amazon with a Facebook site too. I hope it helps many women in and out of the church. It is an incredible injustice that the victim goes to the church for help and is abused by pastors and leadership and the abuser blames the victim. Sociopath Narcissist abusers are alive and well in the church.


  6. Pingback: An Open Letter to Heath Lambert and Leadership of ACBC | Speakingtruthinlove's Blog

  7. Z

    I have not seen this issue very often addressed, but I come from a family of physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual abuse since childhood right up into adulthood by BOTH parents who were professed “born-again Christians”! Out of 4 (also-abused) siblings, I am the only one who got out of that house ASAP & got professional counseling by an expert on family abuse. I learned about malignant narcissists, sociopaths, codependency, enablers..And I learned about using “Low Contact”, boundaries & consequences when abuses occurred..
    The other siblings became extremely codependent and enmeshed with their abusers as children-desperate for their love & approval which sociopaths are incapable of giving. They are severely trauma-bonded enablers & abusers-by-proxy for parents now as adults-targeting ME for setting firm boundaries.
    The problem is that one sibling became a social worker late in adulthood & got some kind “qualification” to call herself a “Christian Counselor” who “specializes in counseling ABUSE VICTIMS”!! She is an abuse-ENABLER! She knows her/my abusive parents are still abusers & she is their cheerleader, idolizer, promoter…in the churches they all attend together. She lies all about their true identities to the pastors and church congregants. And the abusers put on a good act as “nice people” -they’ve had a lifetime of practice! And abusers don’t abuse in public of course. So this abused sibling who never GOT the counseling she desperately needs is now offering Christian Counseling as she enables known abusers.
    It sickens me to think of the damage she is doing to already traumatized victims. She has a sick agenda. Yet no agency, church leader..has vetted her & they know nothing of her enabling, coddling, & idolizing evil abusers.
    I’ve tried talking to their pastors, congregants to inform them & try to protect any abuse victim from her evil agenda doing more harm to them. They say they don’t have “evidence” of their abuse! I’m supposed to have them on film abusing? Abuse is done behind closed doors. Then the wolves put on sheep’s clothing for the church community so they are thought of as “such nice people to us” by them. Can’t make them understand this evil of abusers’ tactics & their use of minions like my codependent siblings to polish up /cover up their public fake images.
    The fact that an abuse enabler is still counseling fragile, traumatized abuse victims is an abomination.


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