Marie Notcheva, Author of Redeemed from the Pit: Biblical Repentance and Restoration from the Bondage of Eating Disorders, shares with us today about Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia.
The two main eating disorders, anorexia nervosa, and bulimia are both relatively common in the Western world, with bulimia being 5-10 times more common than anorexia (especially among college-aged women). Broadly speaking, however, anorexic clients are much more difficult counseling cases than bulimics. Why is that? Why does ‘being transformed’ and renewed in her thinking seem to be that much more elusive for the starver than for the purger?
This was not a subject I got into in my own book, “Redeemed from the Pit.” I did not focus very much on the differences between the two disorders, but rather dealt primarily with the root sins contributing to both behaviors. Moreover, most
anorexics end up becoming bulimic at some point. It is much more difficult to continue to starve than it is to give in to the urge to eat, and then purge as an “escape hatch.” However, there are women who maintain anorexia long-term without ever giving in to bulimia. I have known women to go well over a decade as anorexics, while their body tissues slowly disintegrate, still pursuing that elusive thinness. This scenario is much rarer than the more common one: A low-to-average-weight woman who binges and purges in secret, or an overweight lady who habitually overeats and cannot seem to moderate her eating habits.
The Depth of Deception
What is it about anorexia that makes it harder to counsel? Here is my theory (and it is just that – my somewhat-educated opinion): the level of self-delusion in anorexia is deeper.
A bulimic knows that what she is doing is wrong. She feels shame constantly, even when she has been purging for so long her conscience is desensitized. Even before she seeks counseling, inwardly she knows it is sinful to gorge and vomit up food. She knows the risks of laxative abuse, and is filled with disgust and self-loathing. She wants to stop the binge/purge cycle, but on the other hand is conflicted: The frenzied act of eating/purging retains some sort of reward to her that she is reluctant to give up, yet she is deathly afraid of gaining weight. As with her anorexic sister, the bulimic has made weight her idol. Nevertheless, she rarely has any delusions that bingeing and purging is anything less than sinfully self-destructive.
The anorexic Christian, on the other hand, is less likely to really see her self-starvation as wrong. Anorexia seems the more “noble, stoic” of the two eating disorders — after all, it takes enormous willpower to consistently refuse food. The anorexic is typically very proud of overcoming her baser human instinct – the need to eat for survival – and sees herself as of stronger, more self-controlled stock than other women. She has never eaten food only to “get rid of it,” so ‘what’s the problem?’ she may reason.
Distorted Body Image
Add to this the grossly distorted body image more common to anorexics, and you would have a hard time convincing them that they need to gain weight. I remember when I was anorexic in 11th grade, looking in the mirror (at 5’5″ and 90 lbs.) and seeing a normal-weight girl. Interestingly, in photographs of myself I saw how emaciated I was; but anorexics do not see themselves realistically in “real time.” For this reason, I highly recommend meeting with a nutritionist as well as a biblical counselor during the re-feeding process. A nutritionist provides an objective, science-based eating plan according to biological, nutritional needs. In my experience, this was helpful in giving me the confidence to eat nutritionally-balanced, if small, meals and to gain weight without freaking out.
Asceticism is Worshiped in Our Culture
A third reason anorexics may present tougher counseling cases than bulimics is the connection between asceticism and “religion.” I use ” ” around the term, religion to distinguish this way of thinking from true, biblical Christianity. The ascetics were an ancient group that believed in subjugating the body (believing all matter to be evil, like the Gnostics) in an attempt to reach a higher level of ‘spirituality.’ This way of thinking was also rampant in Medieval Catholicism (read about ‘holy anorexia’ and the contemplative practices of nuns of the time period) where flagellants and penitents would beat, starve, and sleep-deprive their bodies mercilessly as “penance.”
The notion of “penance” is antithetical to the Gospel, which teaches repentance. Repentance is godly sorrow over sin; trusting in Christ’s finished work on the Cross as atonement, and dependence on Him to turn away from the sin. Penance, on the other hand, is self-inflicted punishment or man’s attempt to “make it up to God” by performing some act. This is the height of pride (thinking that we can add something to our redemption, on top of Christ’s sacrifice). It is also a gross perversion of the true motivation for the spiritual disciplines (including fasting).
A Christian anorexic could easily justify her habit as “holy” by calling it a “fasted lifestyle.” The secular media certainly reinforces this mindset, by glorifying women who successfully lose weight through willpower, the secular term for self-control. Self-control is certainly a fruit of the Spirit, and fasting is something Christians are expected to do in seasons of intense prayer, but the anorexic mindset perverts them both. Although she is called, as a believer, to “put on the new self,” she is, in fact, giving reign to vanity and self-absorption. Paul writes:
“Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” ~ Colossians 3:1-3
The anorexic’s mind is most definitely not set on “the things above,” nor is she walking in the Spirit. Her mind is set on the carnal desire for unnatural thinness and adulation. She ruminates about food day and night. Her lifestyle and habits “sow to the flesh” (Galatians 6:8). However, it is much more difficult for her to see her true spiritual condition through the eyes of faith than it is for a bulimic, whose purging habit is more obviously sinful (gluttony, waste, destruction of the temple – 1 Corinthians 6:19). Anorexia is just as grievous a sin against the body as bulimia is, but for these reasons, I believe it can be harder to convince an anorexic that this is indeed the case.
What are your thoughts on this? I am especially interested in feedback from women who have counseled clients struggling with anorexia. Do they see this as a life-dominating sin, or something that makes them “purer” (even if only in their own eyes)? Do they consider jeopardizing their health by self-starvation to be as wrong as overeating, or do they see it as “virtuous” (even if only secretly)?
One afternoon on the way home from work, I caught part of a radio program in which Rabbi Harold Kushner (“When Bad Things Happen to Good People”) was being interviewed. Kushner was weighing in on a tragedy that befell a family here in Massachusetts: Twin two-year-old girls drowned in their swimming pool, presumably while their mother was inside with a baby brother. It is difficult to imagine the enormity of the family’s loss, and our hearts break with them. This is every parent’s worst nightmare come true.
Kushner, who lost his son to progeria in the 1980’s, made several good points. He observed that grieving parents are incapable of consoling one another (as they would had the loss been a parent or sibling), and they often lash out. He advised the parents to seek counsel from others, and mentioned several bereavement support groups. He noted that the death of a child is something one never really “gets over,” but they may expect to get to a point where they can enjoy life again. He also very wisely cautioned others against offering advice, seeking to minimize the tragedy, or rationalizing it away (“Talk less; hug more”). Seeking solace from those parents who can truly empathize in their grief will also lead to their ultimately being able to offer that same compassion to others. This in turn will counter, in some small measure, the devastating helplessness that they felt when their daughters drowned.
Can We Blame God?
However, when the interviewer turned the line of questioning to whether or not we can blame God, Kushner essentially denied the concept of a sovereign God. (Obviously, as a Jewish rabbi, Kushner’s view of God and redemptive history differ significantly from the Christian position. We needn’t get into soteriology or dwell on self-evident doctrinal differences between Jews and Christians.) What I found interesting was Kushner’s low view of God’s omnipotence and omniscience, and his de facto denial of man’s depravity and the effect of sin’s outworking in the world (hamartiology).
Kushner stated that just as God cannot be blamed for tragedy, (which is true of course; calamity is a result of the fall of man), neither can one say that tragic events are His will, orchestrated by Him, or permitted by Him. That is a disappointingly humanistic worldview, and would be natural coming from a secular psychologist, a Deist, an agnostic, or perhaps Oprah. But follow it to its natural conclusion: if God did not have foreknowledge of a tragedy, then He is not omniscient. This is open theism, and it is heresy. (See Job 37:16; 1 Jn 3:20; Heb 4:13; Mt 10:29-30). Further, Kushner maintains that when people credit or praise God for good events, blessings in their life, or sparing them from disaster, they are actually just putting a “theological face” on their relief at not being the unfortunate victims.
The idea of an omnipotent God is also distasteful to Kushner. He passionately said,
“Given a choice between a deity that is all-good but cannot control what will happen, and an omnipotent creator who allows the death of innocent children, I find the compassionate god much more comforting! Where do we get the idea that power is the highest virtue?”
What disheartens me is that Kushner, who certainly embodies the godly qualities of compassion, empathy, and love for his fellow man – especially the hurting – does not seem to realize that these attributes of God in no way negate His power, omniscience, or sovereignty. If God is not sovereign, He is not God. Kushner seems to be setting up a false dichotomy: If God is sovereign, He allowed those poor children to drown. That would be, in his mind, evil. Therefore, God would not be all-good. If God is all-good, He would not have allowed small children to climb into the swimming pool and drown. If He is good, and had foreknowledge of the incident, He should have done something. He did nothing. Therefore, He is not all-knowing.
The truth of the matter, of course, is that God is both all-good, and in His sovereignty, knew what would happen to the girls. He did not intervene (for reasons we cannot understand, and should not try to speculate upon); and tragically, they died. An additional truth here, which should not be glossed over too lightly, is that His heart is as broken as those of the parents. God is close to the brokenhearted and is moved to compassion by our grief. (See Psalm 34:18; Psalm 147:3; John 11:35; Hebrews 4:15). By contrast, Kushner seems to imply that by allowing what is such a horrific tragedy that the human mind recoils, God is callous or indifferent to human suffering. It is arbitrary; unfair.
Are People Really Good?
Why does the notion of God allowing terrible events seem so repugnant to Rabbi Kushner? A word he kept using was innocent: “What kind of God would allow two innocent girls to drown?” I would counter, “The same kind of God Who let His innocent Son suffer and die on a Roman cross for my sins.” While I agree with Kushner that no family deserves what these folks are going through, if we really examine his argument for innocence (not just of the girls, but of all victims of tragedy), it is flawed. None of us is truly innocent. Only Christ was, and God not only allowed Him to suffer; He ordained it (Isaiah 53:10-11). Does the atonement mean God is unjust, uncompassionate, indifferent?
Even without getting into a debate about Penal Substitution, we can see from the Torah, Law and Prophets alone that we are all, from birth, guilty sinners who inherently deserve nothing but eternal separation from God. We are, in fact, guilty through Adam’s representative act (federal headship), and are born corrupt and therefore oriented toward sin. This is not to say, of course, that individual sin is the reason for calamity (Jesus emphatically dispelled that notion in Luke 13:4); but that when sin entered the world, part of the consequence was misfortune and tragic circumstances. Ultimately, this is the reason for earthquakes and other natural disasters, bloodshed, famine, genetic mutations, childhood illnesses, and the ultimate curse: death (both physical and spiritual). See Genesis 3:14 ff.
Kushner, as the name of his book implies, seems to see human beings as basically good. This is part of the problem with his view of God: He does not see man’s true position in relation to Him. Because Kushner holds a flawed, high view of man, of necessity his view of God’s sovereign will is skewed.
While God is completely holyand completely loving, we humans strike out on both counts. Throughout the entire Scripture, the inherently evil condition of man is set out over against the impeccable nature of God. The term total depravity doesn’t mean we are as bad as we can possibly be; it means that there is no part of our being that has not been tainted by the effects of sin. The following are just a few of the verses pointing to man’s natural condition: Ecc. 7:29; Rom. 5:7-8; 5:12,19; Psalm 143:2; 2 Chr. 6:26; Isaiah 53:6; Micah 7:2-4. Kushner also says that expressing anger at God is fine, and that He can take it. Let’s be clear: Being angry with God is a sin. It is, in essence, denying that He is perfect, and putting one’s self in the seat of autonomy. Jerry Bridges, inRespectable Sins, equates blaming God/being angry with Him to blasphemy. At best, it is certainly unbelief.
I should note that I have not read Kushner’s book, and my observations are based solely on the radio interview he gave. As a biblical counselor, flags go up when a man-centric worldview attempts to understand God through a faulty hermeneutic. Because there is often truth mixed in with erroneous beliefs (both about God and man), the idea of a compassionate yet impotent god may seem more palatable. Many listeners probably swallowed the whole message, without comparing Kushner’s view of God to the One portrayed in the Scriptures.
(ky artikull është publikuar në “Ilira Revista”, shtator 2016).
Çfarë është këshillimi biblik?
Në vitin 1656, puritani Riçard Bakster shkroi se vetë Shkrimi është i dobishëm për të krishterët “për t’iu hequr dyshimet, për t’i ndihmuar në luftën kundër mëkateve të tyre, për t’i drejtuar në detyrën e tyre dhe për rritje të njohurisë dhe të gjithë hirit shpëtues”.1 Ndryshe nga psikologjia, e cila ka një pikëpamje për jetën që është e përqendruar te njeriu dhe e kundërshton konceptin e ‘mëkatit’, këshillimi biblik bazohet në bindjen se Perëndia na ka folur përmes Shkrimit. Përmes Biblës, Perëndia na ka zbuluar gjithçka që duhet të dimë për Të, për veten tonë dhe për botën përreth nesh (2 Pjetrit 1:3).
Këshillimi biblik, i cili disa herë është quajtur “një hibrid mes dishepullimit dhe miqësisë biblike”, ka përfitimin shtesë të përgjegjshmërisë. Kur një i krishterë kërkon ndihmë nga një këshillues biblik i trajnuar për një problem shpirtëror të vazhdueshëm, ai apo ajo do të duhet të bëjë detyra shtëpie, të mësojë përmendësh disa pasazhe nga Shkrimi dhe të bëjë punën e vështirë të ndryshimit biblik ndërmjet sesioneve. Të mësosh ta kuptosh drejt Fjalën e Perëndisë dhe të ndihmosh njerëzit ta zbatojnë atë në jetën e tyre nuk është ide e re, por këshillimi biblik është rritur shumë në Shqipëri këto vitet e fundit.
Nga Bashkësia e Hirit, me dashuri
Në vitin 2007, Kisha e Bashkësisë së Hirit (Grace Fellowship Church) në Kentucky, SHBA, dërgoi Bler dhe Suana (Blair dhe Sue Ann) Alvidrez në Shqipëri në një udhëtim misionar afatshkurtër. Pasi u vendosën në Lushnjë në vitin 2010, Bleri dhe Suana u bënë të parët këshillues biblikë në Shqipëri. Brenda pak viteve, Bleri po organizonte konferenca trainimi për shqiptarë që donin të mësonin si të këshillonin në kishat e tyre lokale. Pastorë amerikanë nga Shoqëria e Këshilluesve Biblikë të Certifikuar (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors) erdhën në Tiranë për të ndihmuar me trajnimin. Bashkë me Pastor Genci Cesulën, pastor kryesor në Kishën e Hirit në Tiranë dhe pastorë dhe misionarë të tjerë, Bleri themeloi Koalicionin e Këshillimit Biblik Shqiptar. “Këshillimi biblik po fiton mjaft popullaritet”, thotë Bleri. Ai dhe familja e tij kanë jetuar në Tiranë për disa vjet, ku ai punon bashkë me Genci Cesulën, duke dishepulluar dhe trajnuar pastorë të tjerë që synojnë certifikimin. “Shumë njerëz thanë në fillim, ‘Kjo nuk do të funksionojë këtu’”, thotë ai. Më shumë se në Amerikë, në Shqipëri njerëzit e kanë të vështirë të flasin lirshëm për problemet e tyre. Megjithëse betejat shpirtërore me të cilat përballen besimtarët janë të ngjashme në të gjithë botën, shqiptarët e kanë më të vështirë të kërkojnë këshillë. Kjo është pjesërisht për shkak të një mosbesimi të përgjithshëm ndaj autoritetit dhe një shqetësimi të përgjithshëm në lidhje me thashethemet. Megjithatë, me këmbëngulje dhe trajnim të vazhdueshëm, shumë njerëz tani po kërkojnë këshillim brenda kishave të tyre lokale. Disa pastorë shqiptarë i kanë përfunduar provimet e tyre të certifikimit dhe po këshillojnë tashmë, dhe disa nga gratë e tyre po ndihmojnë duke këshilluar gra dhe duke përkthyer libra.
Fryti i shërbesës së përkthimit
Deri tani janë përkthyer në shqip 23 tituj në lidhje me këshillimin biblik, duke përfshirë këtu librin e Pol Trip, “Instrumente në duart e Shpenguesit”, një numër jo i vogël, sidomos kur e krahason me vendet fqinje ku teologjia e Reformuar dhe këshillimi biblik janë pothuaj të panjohur. Bashkësia e Hirit, kisha dërguese e Blerit dhe Suanës në Amerikë ka siguruar financa dhe njerëz për të ndihmuar; megjithatë, këshillimi biblik nuk është shpikje amerikane. Apostulli Pal, në letrat e tij, na jep modelin e parë të një këshilluesi i cili është vërtet biblik. Ai përdor Fjalën e Perëndisë për të mësuar besimtarët e rinj, për të inkurajuar kishat e përndjekura, për të bindur për mëkat besimtarët dhe për të pajisur ata që ishin në shërbesë. Pasi Bibla vetë u përkthye në gjuhë të tjera, Ungjilli u përhap në më shumë popuj sesa do të kishin arritur misionarët me mësimet gojore. Në mënyrë të ngjashme, parimet e këshillimit biblik mësohen kryesisht përmes konferencave, por koncepti prezantohet edhe më gjerësisht përmes literaturës.
Disa herë shërbesa e Fjalës duket se ndodh vetvetiu. Bleri tregon një incident kur makina e tij kishte nevojë për lavazh. Ai kishte qindra librushka të përkthyera në ndenjësen e pasme të makinës, në kuti që po shqyheshin. Ai me kujdes i vendosi ato në trotuar ndërsa kishte lënë makinën në lavazh dhe dy burra shqiptarë treguan shumë interes në atë literaturë. “Çfarë janë këto? A mund t’i shikojmë?”. Bleri u shpjegoi me gëzim që ato ishin librushka që flisnin për Perëndinë dhe se si të jetosh në mënyrë që t’i pëlqesh Atij. “A mund të blejmë disa?”, pyetën burrat.
Lajmi është përhapur në vendet fqinje të Ballkanit në lidhje me këtë këndvështrim “vetëm Shkrimi” të këshillimit të krishterë. “Ne tani kemi kontakte në Maqedoni”, thotë Bleri. Disa pastorë nga Shkupi morën pjesë në trajnimin e kohëve të fundit në Kishën e Hirit, dhe një kishë në Kosovë, që e ka mbushur librarinë e saj me materiale këshillimi, ka treguar interes për të dërguar përfaqësues.
Nga qumështi te mishi… progresioni i trajnimit
Deri tani janë mbajtur katër konferenca vjetore për trajnim në këshillimin biblik, të mbajtura në Durrës, Tiranë dhe Korçë. Bleri dhe pastorë të tjerë që kanë dhënë mësim atje, janë inkurajuar nga rritja që kanë parë në besimtarët që marrin pjesë. Tani, më shumë pastorë lokalë po e marrin trajnimin vetë në seminare një herë në dy muaj që quhen “module trajnimi.” Ato fokusohen në tema më specifike këshillimi si martesa, depresioni dhe problemet e kombinimit të psikologjisë me Biblën. Bleri thotë që ky trajnim i specializuar është efektiv dhe i ndihmon pastorët të mësojnë si t’u shërbejnë besimtarëve me Fjalën brenda kontekstit të kulturës së tyre. “Ne japim një rast studimor në çdo sesion dhe pjesëmarrësit diskutojnë se çfarë do të bënin”, shpjegon ai. “Është shumë e mrekullueshme të shohësh se si pjesëmarrësit po e përvetësojnë mësimin dhe se si procesi po hedh rrënjë”.
Ndikimi i këshillimit biblik po fillon të njihet edhe përtej mureve të kishës lokale, ndërsa Bleri, Suana dhe Koalicioni i Këshillimit kanë krijuar marrëdhënie me shkolla dhe klinika mjekësore. Klinika e krishterë ABC në Tiranë ka dërguar punonjës për të dëgjuar leksionet mbi ankthin dhe depresionin dhe u kanë kërkuar Blerit dhe pastor Genci Cesulës t’u dërgojnë këshillues biblikë.
Tabloja e madhe – kisha si pjesë e jetës
Ashtu si çdo kulturë post-moderne, edhe Shqipëria po përballet me pro-blemet e saj që shumë njerëz thonë që nuk kanë rrjedhoja shpirtërore. Pastor Cesula rreshton depresionin dhe problemet martesore midis çështjeve më të mëdha të këshillimit, por gjithashtu përfshin edhe pornografinë në atë listë. Imoraliteti seksual (veçanërisht pornografia) po bëhet shumë më i dukshëm sesa në vitet e shkuara, dhe pa një themel biblik, moraliteti konsiderohet subjektiv. Një nga synimet e dishepullimit dhe të këshillës vërtet biblike, është ta sjellësh ungjillin në të gjitha fushat e jetës së personit. Burrat dhe gratë e përfshira në shërbesën e këshillimit biblik përpiqen të komunikojnë që ‘kisha’ nuk është ndërtesë, por një trup dinamik besimtarësh të lidhur me njëri-tjetrin që ndihmojnë njëritjetrin të rriten. ‘Këshilla biblike’ nuk është thjesht të japësh përgjigje apo të citosh vargje; ajo kërkon që Kisha të veprojë ashtu siç e projektoi Perëndia – si një institucion dishepullbërës. “Është ngazëllyese të shohësh se si Perëndia po ngre njerëz nga e gjithë bota që janë të uritur për të mësuar përgjigjet biblike për jetën e tyre, dhe inkurajuese të shohësh përkushtimin e popullit të Tij kudo”, tha një pastor.
Shqipëria, e bukura “Tokë e Shqiponjave”, po përtërihet në forcë. Në Shkrimet, shqiponja është simbol i forcës dhe i aftësisë për të mbajtur shumë peshë (Eks. 19:4; LiP. 32:11). Në të njëjtën mënyrë metaforike, Shqipëria është ngritur brenda një brezi nga shtypja e ateizmit në një vend me një nga mjediset më të forta të krishtera në Ballkan. Falë punës së palodhur të një brezi të ri pastorësh dhe këshilluesish biblikë, ajo në mënyrë të sigurt po “ngrihet me krahë si shqiponja” ndërsa besimtarët e rinj e bëjnë të njohur Emrin e Tij.
Mari Noçeva (Marie Notcheva) është shkrimtare dhe këshilluese biblike e certifikuar nga INS nga Masaçusetsi. Libri i saj i parë, “Redeemed from the Pit: Biblical Repentance and Restoration from the Bondage of Eating Disorders” (Calvary Press, 2011) (“Shpenguar nga gropa: pendim dhe restaurim biblik nga skllavëria e çrregullimeve të të ngrënit”) është libër reference për këshilluesit që punojnë me njerëz me probleme anoreksike dhe bulimike. Maria është kontribuese e rregullt e blogut të Koalicionit të Këshillimit Biblik (The Biblical Counseling Coalition blog), dhe shkruan për revista të krishtera në Shqipëri dhe Bullgari. Ajo punon si përkthyese me kohë të plotë e bullgarishtes në Boston dhe ka katër fëmijë. 1 Richard Baxter, The Reformed Pastor, reprinted (New York: Robert Carter & Brothers, 1860), p. 346
“Are you going to care for the opinion of men here, or for the opinion of God?
The opinion of men won’t avail us much when we get before the judgment throne.”
— 19th century British missionary, Charles Studd
It is possible, while surrounded by people, to feel utterly alone. We want other people to value our presence; treasure our friendship; dispel our doubts; support us in trials; heal our deepest hurts. In short, it is possible to seek from other people what only God can give us: fulfillment; peace; and unconditional love. While He certainly uses His children to encourage and teach one another, there is a fine line between being edified by other believers, and their opinions of us becoming an idol.
The first scenario is healthy and leads us closer to God. Galatians 6:2 tells us to “bear one another’s burdens”, and taking the wise counsel of fellow Christians is an important aspect of growing spiritually. However, the second scenario – placing over-importance on how others view, judge or interact with us, sometimes to the point of depression – is a snare. “Fear of man” can drive us away from God when we allow the opinions of others to take precedence over God’s view of us. This can happen when we believe Christians speak for God when they hurt us; or simply by allowing a lapse in our prayer life. When we forget God’s ‘voice’, others will crowd His out.
“Fear of man” (even ‘church-man’) tell us that we are not good enough when others question our motives; falsely accuse; gossip; or judge our decisions without knowing either our circumstances or which scriptural principles come into play. This is a painful, confusing place to be…..and for some of us natural extroverts, our instinct is to seek out people we trust for companionship. Somehow, if we are with friends, it will make it all better; we will again be validated, or at least distracted enough not to deal with our emotions.
I know this to be true, because after 25 years as a Christian, God had to bring me to the other side of the world (in relative isolation) to get my attention.
When God Shows Up – Unexpectedly
Within the last year, I made the painful decision to end my marriage. Although I had ample biblical grounds for divorce, for the sake of my children’s privacy I have not divulged details (apart from to a very few people on a ‘need to know’ basis). Those who were aware of the situation were incredibly compassionate – while support came from unexpected corners, hurtful things were said to me by a few I most depended on to protect me. This shook my faith in the Church, and by extension, God.
While dear friends from another church brought me to retreats, Bible studies, and spent many hours talking and praying with me, the hurt inflicted by those whose opinions I judged ‘significant’ made me ambivalent towards God – all while serving Him in ministry. I looked forward to August, a month I had set aside to serve at Youth Camps (in New Hampshire and Albania); spend time with my children; and heal. One of the things I most looked forward to was seeing precious brothers and sisters in Christ in Albania whom I had befriended at camp years prior. I ‘needed’ them – needed their presence; needed their friendship; needed to laugh.
After three days in Tirana, I boarded a bus to the southern city of Saranda where I would be met and taken to camp. Deeply hurt by a friend’s ambivalence to me, I cried silently for most of the 7-hour journey. To make matters worse, most of the staff with whom I was closest did not attend camp this year for a variety of reasons. Surrounded by unfamiliar young campers, new staff, and total immersion in Albanian, I felt much more alone than I ever had at camp. With memories of happier times, I felt downcast for days and questioned what I was doing there. Surrounded by 70 people and a team of Christian staff, I felt utterly adrift and useless.
So I spent time with God – alone. Only He saw my tears. Walking down to the pier and watching the sun set over the Ionian Sea, I would just sit there. Sometimes I would read my Bible; sometimes just think. But always realizing I was in the presence of my Father; Who was my Defender and Protector. I knew that He had orchestrated everything perfectly, but I needed to experience it on an emotional level…..which is hard to do, when you are running from your emotions.
One of the English lessons we taught the children dealt with placing God’s opinion above that of men. This was far too specific to be a coincidence…He seemed to be speaking directly to me. There were mornings that I wanted to run from the discussion group I facilitated with a British team member; the basic truths about God’s love we were teaching the children were long-forgotten promises I no longer believed applied to me.
Taking us Across the World…to Get us to Listen?
It was here that healing could begin. As if to further assure me that He was there, I received a message from one of the young British staff women (who did not know me at all) the day after she left camp, asking if I was alright. After I shared a very abridged version of events with her, she responded:
“I am thankful you have spoken to people at camp and pray they have been of great comfort and support for you. I appreciate your honesty and openness so much to share with me what’s really been going on. God has a plan for bringing you to Albania this summer, and I pray you will truly find some healing over the hardships of this year….I know God has good plans for you as he has promised to his people….
“Above all it is God’s thoughts we need to care about. And please remember that He loves you unconditionally! Draw close to him and let his wings protect you…and don’t hurt yourself by not allowing yourself to rightfully have the emotions you are having. God knows above all how you are feeling. I just don’t want you to think you need to hide it or feel you aren’t getting involved in camp as you should. Because God may want this time in Albania to be where you can heal and be raw with all the feelings. It is amazing how God uses us in each others’ lives. I strongly felt the Spirit leading me to talk to you, and I am sure that was God’s concern shining through. It is incredible how He has to take us across the world to get us to listen or draw closer to him.”
Being Transparent – while Still Trusting God
The ministry leaders under whom I serve are good friends, but I feared more rejection or subtle judgement once they knew of my divorce – justification notwithstanding. Just the opposite happened. Anxiously, I sat down and explained the situation to the Albanian pastor, and later, the camp director. Not only was my decision supported, I was still embraced as the sister I’d always been. However, the lesson God taught me that week was that it shouldn’t matter.
He affirms, loves and rejoices over me. The opinion of people (even His people) pales in significance. Even so, it was very freeing to be lifted up by friends who care about me – and understand. Pastor “Erion” (not his real name) had watched one of his sisters go through an experience eerily similar to mine, and recognized that life does not always neatly follow biblical guidelines of repentance and reconciliation. More than anyone else, this Balkan brother was relieved that I was now safe; healing; and regaining my confidence.
We cannot live, as believers, in a vacuum. It is impossible to pretend that the opinions, acceptance, love or approval of others – particularly of fellow Christians – does not matter. We were created to live in fellowship, and God grieves when His children alienate one another. And yet sometimes, in order to break the walls of others-induced shame that have kept us from Him, He needs to isolate us to where we can’t run away anymore. And when we finally start listening to His voice of Truth, He may confirm His love to us through other people. Until we discover that His is the only Voice that truly matters, however, we may stay stuck listening to the sound of our own confusion and doubt.
I expected to be used to help others understand God’s Word this summer. Instead, God ministered His grace and healing to me – in a remote coastal campsite; without friends to fall back on; half a world away.
Have you ever suffered from theological burnout? I have – notably when studying for my biblical counseling certification. One hundred eighty-five hours of video lectures were tremendously helpful and informational; so were the many books I had to read. By the end, saturated in hermeneutics and systematic theology, I didn’t feel like opening the Bible anymore. I felt like God was an algorithm to be approached through diagrams, charts, and verses committed to memory. He seemed as distant as my college chemistry professor (who I haven’t seen since 1990).
There was nothing wrong with the training, of course. A correct understanding of God, human nature, and the Bible is critical in order to understand the issues we deal with in the counseling room (as well as life in general, for that matter). All of the books and training materials I was assigned were produced by Calvinistic authors, as biblical counseling tends to be very heavily Reformed. Reformed literature, by and large, tends to be heavy. Richly doctrinal but not a quick read. There is less emphasis on God’s love and relationship with us than on His other attributes, and to be honest, many times the continual emphasis on exegetical skill (not to mention total depravity) left me cold.
Christ Might Have Died for my Sins?
Don’t get me wrong; the Reformers were the heroes of the faith who rescued Christianity from the mysticism and superstition of the Dark Ages. The Reformed camp, on the whole, produces the highest quality Christian literature there is; particularly in the Christian counseling genre. Sometimes it has seemed to me, however, that in the quest for doctrinal precision and endless parsing, the relational aspect of Christ’s love is lost. Taking an extreme position on the Doctrines of Grace can leave one scratching one’s head.
For example, in one course I was taught that when sharing the Gospel with a potential convert, one should never tell him that “Christ died for [his] sins because you have no way of knowing if that individual is one of the elect or not.” Umm…alrighty then. So…what exactly should we tell him? “Hey! I have great news! Christ might have died for your sins!”
Doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?
Jesus looked at the Rich Young Ruler (Mark 10:20-22), loved him, and bid him come and follow Him. And the guy still walked away (which I find staggering). Repeatedly, we see that the invitation is open to all…we all have a chance to be one of “the elect”. We need to hold onto this truth, and not confuse counselees into thinking they can be arbitrarily ‘locked out’ of heaven by a misunderstanding of predestination. We need to give hope, not seek to be more Calvinistic than Calvin.
Overwhelmed by Theology, or Overwhelmed by Love?
Having a high view of God precludes focusing on our own “felt needs.” It is unbiblical (some would say blasphemous) to think in terms of our own value. I understand and agree that we are totally depraved, and the Atonement speaks of HIS infinite worth, glory and value, but there are several places in Scripture where God’s Word indicates that we are precious to Him. If we were truly worthless to God, He never would have sent His Son. I can see where there’s a danger to making the cross all about us, rather than about God (and people do); but even the Puritans recognized Christ’s love for the individual.
I agree God does not exist to meet our emotional needs, but what do you do when you have a tough day? What do you teach your counselee to do? Or do Reformed folks never have a tough day, because of God’s majesty and sovereignty? Do we pour our hearts out to God, or do we text a friend, who seems more approachable?
Sometimes, after reading about the proper view of God, I actually would have a tough time praying. I find it intimidating and don’t really know what to talk about. The Reformers themselves were passionate, emotional, introspective people. Sometimes in today’s literary Reformed camp, one can learn much but feel nothing. One believer I know wrote: “I love Reformed people, but I loathe their “We are the Christian Intellectual Elite” complex. When Christianity is all head and no heart… yep, the balance is lost.”
Getting Back to Basics – with the Puritans
This might be an over-correction made by the modern biblical counseling movement, in response to the touchy-feely theological fluffiness that graces the shelves of today’s Christian bookstores. In stark contrast to the modern “Jesus is My Homeboy” attitude, the correct relationship with God that Reformed writers historically have tried to convey is one of awe-struck intimacy. Consider the following passage, penned by Frances Ridley Havergal in the 19th century:
Some of us think and say a good deal about a sense of Christ’s presence – sometimes rejoicing in it, sometimes going mourning all the day long because we have it not; praying for it and not always seeming to receive what we ask; measuring our own position, and sometimes even that of others, by it; now on the heights, now in the depths about it….It comes practically to this: Are you a disciple of the Lord Jesus at all? If so, He says to you, “I am with you always.” That overflows all the regrets of the past and all the possibilities of the future and most certainly includes the present. Therefore, at this very moment, as surely as your eyes rest on this page, so surely is the Lord Jesus with you. “I am” is neither “I was” nor “I will be.” It is always abreast of our lives, always encompassing us with salvation. It is a splendid, perpetual now.[i]
Does this read as if it were written by someone who saw God as distant, obscure, or harsh? Far from it. The beauty of some of the classical writing of the Puritans (and other early Reformed writers, such as Spurgeon) is that they maintained that balance between holding a high view of God’s majesty, and enjoying an intimate relationship with Him. Humbled by His interest in their lives, the desire to know Him in spirit and in truth fueled their deep study of His Word. Far from seeing theology as dry or irrelevant, we may think of these early Reformed writers as the original biblical counselors.
Learning to Enjoy God all Over Again
It took me a long time to get back to reading devotionals after completing my certification. I got the impression from my courses that devotionals are considered “fluffy” and generally promote bad theology. The answer is to find truly good devotionals – writing that spurs one on to seek God more, and to go deeper in our walk with Him. We needn’t suffer from ‘theological burnout’ or view Reformed/biblical counseling literature as dry or overly heavy-handed.
The answer, for me anyway, was to drop the intellectually-induced guilt over not always having a desire to peruse concordances, categorize passages on index cards, or learn koinos Greek. Of course, if one has the time and desire to do this, by all means she should! Proper interpretation of the Scriptures is not optional; and I have taught on this very subject many times. But there comes a point where the human heart wants to put down the books, and just spend time with the Father. We biblical counselors can easily get out of balance when the very thing we use to know God – doctrinal study – can stand in the way of desiring fellowship with Him. Simply being on guard against this trap (and being honest with ourselves about how we wish to spend devotional time with God) is crucial to our spiritual health, which in turn makes us able to minister to others.
[i] “Seasons of the Heart”, compiled by Donna Kelderman, Reformation Heritage Books, 2013.
Jet-lagged and jacked up on caffeine, this morning finds me answering interpreter services’ emails and breaking into the kashkaval and fiku reçel stash I brought back with me from Albania. I arrived back at my apartment last night (praise the Lord for teenage sons with drivers’ licenses to pick one up from Logan Airport!); and managed to unpack. Already this morning I have interpreted for a lengthy Bulgarian medical call….and it felt gooood to be back in a language I’m confident in!
(Side-note: Why did I bring a bag of makeup and eyebrow tweezers to camp in Albania? I always do that. It always stays at the bottom of the suitcase.)
My primary purpose in going to Albania was to serve at AEM’s English camp, held every summer for Albanian teens; staffed by British and Albanian volunteer counselors. I have been through a painful several years, and due to recent events in my life I was dealing with a lot of emotions I wanted to escape when I arrived at camp. I am still trying to process what God did through my time at camp – which was very different from what I had experienced in prior years – and will want to write an introspective piece on the spiritual ramifications of that week sometime soon.
However, today is not that day.
After my eleven days at camp, I returned by myself to Tirana (where I had spent three days before camp re-connecting with old friends). After a seven hour bus journey, I disembarked and decided to make the most of it…as a tourist….in a (somewhat) unfamiliar city.
This time, I went it alone. With confidence; a sense of humor; a limited budget; and even more limited command of Albanian. Oh yes I DID.
My Rule of Thumb
There is a Rule of Thumb to getting along in Albania, (or, I suppose, most other places where you are a tourist and do not speak the language well):
Make eye contact. Smile apologetically. Preface your sentence with, “Më falni. Nuk flas Shqip mire, por….” (I’m sorry, I don’t speak Albanian well), and then launch into whatever it is you wish to get across. Your mouth, unfortunately, cannot keep up with your brain; while it all seemed a simple matter to conjugate those verbs in kohë e kryer e thjeshte (simple past tense) while doing ushtrime in your textbook, I promise you it is another matter when you are nervously standing before a complete stranger; and you need help, advice, or simply directions to the national museum.
However, never fear!! This is the Secret of the Smile. In my experience (four brief trips to various parts of Albania), people there are friendly; extremely patient with your faltering linguistic attempts; and will actually encourage/compliment you on your efforts. Grammatically speaking, there is very little that will not be forgiven if you smile and are willing to laugh at yourself. (Of course, close friends will correct you and the mild embarrassment will help you to remember the correct way to say something. And if ever you forget to laugh at yourself, they will be happy to laugh at you. Get used to Balkan bluntness). Statistically speaking, there must be a few rude and/or negative people in Albania. All I’m saying is that I have never met them.
Eye contact and friendliness will get you far, my friends……..but there is one exception to this rule:
The Tirana Bus Station.
Until this week, I had always been dependent upon local friends to help me navigate the transport, although I had embarked at camp down in southern Albania and had a straight seven hours on board this time. When I got off in the blazing city heat, I had only two thoughts on my mind: strong Balkan coffee; and avoid eye contact with the taxi drivers who swarm the exiting passengers. This is where my Independent Albania Adventure began.
Taxi Driver:“Taksi, Zonjushë?” Me (looking away): “Jo, jo.” Other Taxi Driver:“Ku po shkoni?” Me:“Tualet.”
(Hey, seven hours on a bus. I wasn’t joking. This also bought me some time to gather my thoughts and get a coffee.)
Me (entering bus station café; smiling and making contact with waiter): “Mirëdita. Kam nevojë për kafe, ju lutem. Një kafe e madhe…..dy kafe në një gotë, po të duash?”
(I was aware that I accidently switched from polite to informal “you”, but I really needed that coffee and the waiter didn’t seem to mind. He smiled indulgently; I got my coffee. Score, baby!).
Thus fortified with caffeine, I ventured out into the Taxi Driver Madness once again, with my Tough Girl game face on. (Just kidding. I don’t have a “Tough Girl” look. I am many things; but “tough” is not one of them.) However, having lived in Sofia, Bulgaria years ago, I’ve learned to fake it around taxi drivers (as a side note, previous years’ experience has taught me that Tirana taxi drivers are much more honest than their Sofia counterparts. I have never been ripped off by anyone in Tirana, and they tell you the price upfront.)
Here we go again……..
I explained that I was going to the American Hospital II (the one corner of Tirana I’d gotten to know well); and asked about the price. “1000 lek” (about $8). I sigh tiredly.
“Eshtë i shtrenjtë” (“it’s expensive”). Taksi driver shrugged and held up seven fingers. “Mirë. 700 lek.”
Check out my bad-ass negotiation skills, y’all!
It got better…..during the drive across Tirana, Taksi Driver ignored the painfully obvious fact that my Albanian was quite poor, and indulged me in a (mostly one-way) conversation about the Ottoman Turkish domination of Albania…which, to my delight, I was somewhat able to follow. After a week at camp which was almost totally in Albanian, my listening skills had improved ever-so-slightly (as had my confidence). I found that smiling and just opening my mouth with the children was appreciated; they laughed but mostly with delight at hearing “Zonja Maria” string basic sentences together, or practicing the imperative mood: “Afroni! Nxitoni! Ejani!”
Gjyshë the Key Lady
Once at the American hospital, I confidently strode down the street and rounded the corner to where I had seen a “Hotel” sign. “I’ve got this,” I told myself. The previous week, I had successfully found and purchased a half kilo of figs, (that elusive delicacy Albanians take for granted until they emigrate abroad) from a grandfatherly street vendor. Looking him straight in the eye and apologizing for my poor command of his language, I smiled winningly and walked off with my prize. He called after me, something about money….I had given him too much money and he was trying to return some. (My math skills are even weaker than my Albanian skills). I decided this time to ask how much a room cost, and to make it clear I wanted one room, with one bed, for two nights. YES, I had been paying attention in lessons! A small office was in the courtyard of the 2-story building, inhabited by an elderly lady in a black dress and apron eating her lunch.
Starting with my usual eye-contact-apologies-for-butchering-her-language-coupled-with-big-friendly-smile, I slowly stated my case. “Gjyshë” (“Grandmother”), like everyone else in Albania, was extremely patient with my explanations and wanted to know where I was from and how many kids I have. She, evidently, has a sister in Detroit and the room for two nights was 3,000 leks ($24 USD). That’s $12 a night; hey, I’ll take it!
After recording my name and passport number in an ancient-looking ledger, she gave me the key and led me upstairs to a room which, blessedly, had enough hot water in the boiler for a nice, long shower. Gjyshë re-appeared a few minutes later with freshly-ironed sheets for the bed, and a towel right off the line. She instructed me to lock the door, which I deduced mainly from sign language; and helpfully pointed me to the café across the alley when I inquired about the wireless password. (The gentlemen working at the carwash next door to the café actually gave me the password. Boom! Free wifi; Albanian-style.)
The 90’s sitcom “Friends” is so insanely popular with the 20-something generation in Albania that it has given rise to a coffee-bar of the same name. Since I met buddies there before going to camp, it seemed a logical meeting place – close to the Center and well-known to people in the age bracket of most of my friends (what is it with me and 20-somethings?) I texted a young friend of mine and had a lovely afternoon chatting at “Friends”. An added bonus is that as with other local cafes, the “Friends” staff understand the need for “kafe e madhe”. As an American, I have a weakness for large coffees – put two small ones in the same cup, please. There you go: “Big coffee”.
One thing about Albanians, although they smile back and appreciate the good-faith effort with their language, is that they rarely plan ahead and plans change on a moment’s notice. I am learning, along with my 19-year-old daughter (who has friends in Bulgaria afflicted by the same condition), not to take it personally and go with the flow. Prior to my traveling to Albania, several friends had made specific plans to meet me in Tirana when I came (none of whom were actually anywhere near the city in August; some weren’t even in the country). Not wanting to inconvenience anyone, I had decided to stay in a hotel the previous week at camp – and was glad I did, upon returning to find everyone out of town.
Not that solitude is a bad thing, mind you – I had had a wonderful time with several close friends two weeks prior in Tirana; followed by a week and a half sleeping in a tent with giggling teenage girls. I was happy to spend a night wandering around Tirana’s center by myself; window-shopping and cheese-shopping. Balkan yellow cheese, or “kashkaval”, is an expensive weakness of mine…..and both sheep’s milk and cow’s milk were available. I realized then that my headache was probably hunger-induced, and braved a fast-food stop.
The Importance of Food…
Except….I wanted them to wrap up a sandwich for me so I could take it back to the hotel and eat it there. I couldn’t remember if “to go” is best explained by saying “me këmbë” (“on foot”) or “për shtëpi” (“for home”?), but I tried both and elicited both a smile and a “s’ka problem!” from the cashier. Feast intact, I headed home to Tirona City hotel.
Of course, having lived (somewhat) long-term in Bulgaria, the comparisons are inevitable. In an interview done two weeks prior, my online Albanian teacher Elson asked me what some of the similarities and differences are between Bulgaria and Albania. Of course, the language is the biggest difference (Bulgarian is a Slavic language; related to Russian and Serbian; whereas Albanian is a completely separate Indo-European tongue which shares only a few Turkish loan-words with Bulgarian).
…and national identity
There are many more similarities. The infrastructure and architecture of Tirana is reminiscent of Sofia; the food is remarkably similar (although with less cumin and pork than in Bulgaria); and the penchant for asking personal questions seems to be a Balkan thing.
As a neophyte in the language, I have noticed a significant cultural difference between the two countries each of the four times I’ve visited Albania: Bulgarians note you are a foreigner; dismiss your attempts to learn ‘their’ language; and, with some exceptions, generally try to exploit you. Albanians do the opposite: they see you as a guest in their country; patiently indulge your attempts at ‘their’ language; and encourage you to keep at it.
This difference in attitude extends even to national identity.
Typical exchange with Albanian:
“How do you like Albania?” FOREIGNER: “It’s a very nice country; very beautiful!” ALBANIAN: “Yes, it is! We have some beautiful beaches here. Have you been to the seaside?” FOREIGNER: “Yes, I enjoyed it very much.” ALBANIAN: “Oh, I am glad! And do not miss seeing Berat. It is on the UNESCO list. Beautiful city with much heritage.”
Contrast this with a Typical exchange with Bulgarian, some version of which I have had many, many times over the past 25 years:
“How do you like Bulgaria?” FOREIGNER: “It is a very nice country; I like it very much!” BULGARIAN: “Why? It’s awful here.” FOREIGNER: “No, it isn’t. It attracts much tourism to its ski lodges, and Black Sea resorts. Why do you say that?” BULGARIAN: “We are a very poor country. Those guys betrayed us. We are the poorest country in Europe.” FOREIGNER: “But…but….everyone seems to be well-dressed here. The cafes and restaurants are full….everyone and his brother drives a Mercedes….you can’t be that badly off!” BULGARIAN: “Yes we are. It’s a terrible place; we are all starving and we all need to leave to work somewhere better. Bulgaria sucks.”
After such an exchange, is it any wonder that no one would appreciate one’s efforts to learn their language; insisting only upon English? Once one is safely out of Sofia, eye contact may, indeed, be made; attempts may be more appreciated – but memories of my 21-year-old self being degraded while attempting to speak Bulgarian made me nervous to even try here.
Football Jerseys and the Bazaar
My fears were in vain.
Have you ever been to an Eastern European outdoor bazaar? You can buy anything from plumbing supplies to dental floss there – usually knock-off brands at low prices. I spotted soccer jersey/short sets I thought my boys would like, and took the plunge: Smile. Eye contact. State case. Hope for best. I was short on leks and long on dollars, so I had to ask where to exchange money (without actually knowing the verb for “to exchange”. I’ve since learned it. It is “këmbej”). Since it was early on a Monday, Soccer Shirt Sales Guy escorted me across the street to his friend’s television repair place; but his friend lacked sufficient leks. Alas, I had to go to the official change bureau – during which time, Sales Guy wrapped up my chosen shirts. All was well until later that day…when I unwrapped the outfit, and realized with horror that it would be far too small for my 13-year-old son.
Full-scale panic set in.
How can I exchange it for a bigger size?? This is not Walmart; this is an Albanian street vendor! I thought. What to do…what to do? There was only one thing to do. Return to vendor; smile; state case; hope for best. A woman was there, as it was already afternoon, and I took a deep breath.
“Më falni…nuk flas mire Shqip. Mëngjes, e bleva kete veshje. Eshtë shumë e bukur! S’ka problem,” I reassured. (“I’m sorry….I don’t speak Albanian well. This morning, I bought this outfit. It’s very nice! There’s no problem.”)
Now Elson’s lesson on superlatives kicked in – far different when you’re trying to exchange an item, in 100 degree heat, with an actual Albanian salesperson, than in the air-conditioned comfort of your office when listening to a lesson.
“Problemi është….djali im është më i madh. Kjo bluza është më e vogël….gabim ishtë i imja.” (“The problem is….my son is bigger. This shirt is smaller. The mistake was mine.”)
The saleswomen understood immediately, wagged her head, and said in Albanian (something like) “You want a larger size? No problem.” To say that I was relieved is like saying that the Grand Canyon is a hole. I almost couldn’t believe it….and, no doubt a mother herself, the lady assured me “better a bit bigger than a bit small.”
Correct-sized gift in hand, I went on to the Center, where I was to meet an American missionary couple and travel to a meeting with the publisher of “Ilira”, an Albanian Christian magazine for which I write. I got a bit disoriented trying to find the correct street of the meeting place (The Stephen’s Center), and asked a kindly-looking woman who ran a souvenir kiosk for directions. “Djathas? Majtas? Ose drejt?” (“Right? Left? Or straight?”) I asked, complete with hand gestures. Souvenir Lady recognized me as having bought a doll from her the previous week (for my little girl), and asked me how old my daughter is.
I finally found The Stephen’s Center, right where I remembered it to be…..and watched David Hosaflook exit before six Mormon “elders” (wearing long trousers and backpacks in the sweltering Tirana heat) left the café and took off down the street. Grr. Mormons. Too busy to engage them in a debate, I made it to the meeting and learned I was expected to take on a more editorial role in the magazine’s production. Dream come true? In a beautiful country, six time zones away from where I live. Just….wow. Kathy Church, the current editor of “Ilira”, gave me a precious gift: a textbook she had authored to help me improve my Albanian!
My final night…what to do? After answering several emails, a friend and I decided not to meet up as he lives a half hour away (by taxi) from where I was. I enjoyed the time I had left alone; ventured out; braved a fashion boutique by myself where I bought shirts for my older daughter. (In Albanian. And yes; the shop clerk was patient and polite!) So was the vendor from whom I bought spinach byrek in the morning. Sometimes a little encouragement is all you need to gain confidence enough to open your mouth and talk.
And receive smiles in return.
An hour left in Tirana, Gjyshë calls her grandson who lives up the road, and just so happens to drive a taksi. Very concerned for my physical comfort and well-being, she neither lets me carry my own suitcase down the stairs (Hello?? I’m in my FORTIES. You’re in your EIGHTIES), nor lets me make up the bed with the sheet. We wait together, and entertain some small talk. Gjyshë wants to know what I do for a living (I’m an interpreter); and if they pay me well (they do).
“How much per hour do they pay you?”
My last half-hour in Albania, and finally someone pops the question.
I would have been disappointed if she didn’t.
Balkan people are endlessly fascinated by how much other people are paid, and I assume it only made her day to know my hourly rate of compensation! Off to the airport….she assured me that her taksi driving relative would be happy to accept dollars, and would give me 500 leks change. (Which I used up on Kinder Eggs for my children at the airport.)
The last words spoken to me on Albanian soil were from the baggage check-in woman, who complimented me on my Albanian…..and smiled.
It costs nothing to smile. It may make someone else’s day, and it goes a long way towards helping a foreigner feel like a welcomed guest in your country. Thank you, Shqiperia. Jam e çmendur pas teje!